The brightest flame
by aiokikasete
Summary: -AU- Fire!verse. Fifth installment following 'Incendium': After 5 years of loving Souichi, Morinaga Tetsuhiro finally gets his wish when Sempai asks him to stay by his side. Things are going rosy for the two of them until the impossible happens. This is the couple meeting with some potholes and obstacles on their way to marriage.
1. New beginnings, old doubts

**A/N: This is the new chapter to my Koisuru Boukun Fire!verse series. As this story is a continuum of the previous stories, I would say, please read the first four segments before this! :p**

**Series order:**

**1) Consumed by your fire**

**2) Kindles and sparks**

**3) Scorching heat**

**4) Incendium**

**PS: Throughout the story, the way in which the 2 main characters are called will switch between these:**

**Tatsumi Souichi: Souichi (in his own POV) / Sempai (in Morinaga's POV)**

**Morinaga Tetsuhiro: Tetsuhiro (in his own POV) / Morinaga (in Souichi's POV)**

**Warning: This story is Yaoi.**

**Disclaimer: As before, Koisuru Boukun does not belong to me.**

* * *

**Chapter 1: New beginnings, old doubts**

**xxx Souichi xxx**

Sneakers scuffing the stone steps, Souichi reached the entrance of the sleek white and steel building shortly. A chrome and aluminum fountain spewed clear water into the air, its twisting and abstract form strangely graceful to the eye.

Souichi pushed open the glass doors confidently and strode past offices and laboratories to the end of the corridor. There, he entered a large, white room, completely divided up by multiple rows of cubicles. Nodding to some acquaintances that had their own work spread out on the desks, he finally reached one of the cubicles and sat down at the chair. From his backpack, he extracted a thick stack of research articles. It was time to get to work.

Tokyo University really had very high expectations of its students. Souichi had received acceptance into the Agricultural and Life Sciences graduate school a week before their move to Tokyo. Now, it was only his second week into the new term and already, his professor had slotted him into two entirely new research projects.

However, after being away from the academic scene for his pregnancy, picking up the steps of research and studying was nostalgically exciting. Despite the heavy schedule that saw him going home at nine every night, Souichi was relishing every second of it. It was indeed in the agricultural sciences where he was in his element.

Seconds melted into minutes, then hours. The studious sounds of typing and sheets flipping in the quiet study lounge were accompaniment to the rhythm of his studying. Souichi was completely immersed in his own world, the wonders of the science that he craved as complex and intriguing as ever.

It was only the vibration of his cell that broke his spell of constant focus. Souichi put down the third article that he had been perusing and picked up the device. He was not surprised to see the sender of the incoming message.

_Sempai, good afternoon! How goes your studying? You must be hungry now after being busy with your research! Please don't neglect your health, though, okay? I will be cooking dinner tonight after picking up Emi from the childcare center. What would you like to eat? I love you! _

Souichi sat straighter in his seat, his fingers moving steadily across the keyboard to reply positively to Morinaga's query. His kouhai would message him without fail at five in the afternoon daily, asking about his day and plans for dinner.

With the both of them at work during the day, it was inevitable that Emi would have to be placed at a childcare center to be taken care of. They had chosen one near Morinaga's workplace for convenience and also because Tokyo University was further away from their apartment than S Pharmaceuticals.

After sending the message successfully, Souichi gazed at the wallpaper of his cell. It was a picture of Emi sleeping on her tummy. Morinaga had snapped the picture a few nights ago and sent it to Souichi, who had quietly set it as his wallpaper.

With her plump cheeks and pouted lips, their daughter resembled an adorable baby rabbit. Souichi smiled fondly, a finger stroking the digital image of Emi. He would be able to see her when he got home later.

In the impersonal and Spartan study lounge, Souichi suddenly felt a little unsettled. Everybody around him was bent over their desks, buried in mounds and mounds of work. Nobody seemed to be going home anytime soon. Were studies above and over everything else in life?

The disdainful thought shook him. Up till a year ago, Souichi had been exactly like these students, his mind only filled with research. The people around him had never held his interest as much as his research material. In fact, things had gotten so extreme that everyone had looked the same to Souichi, which caused him to forget names almost immediately after he was introduced to the people.

Until recently, Souichi would never have thought about going home on time when he had a project going on. However, things were rather different now. He had two people who meant…quite a bit more to him than plants and microbes, two people whose faces were imprinted in his heart, their names in his mind.

Souichi gazed at the picture of Emi a moment longer, feeling the familiar rush of affection flow over him. However, he was still…craving for something…Looking around him surreptitiously, Souichi made sure that nobody was peeping over his shoulder before opening up the top- secret photo album that he kept in his cell.

It was not a large album by any means, containing just twenty pictures that he had only recently accumulated. As the images loaded fully, Souichi brought up the first one, feeling his heart warm significantly as Morinaga's silly beam filled up the entire screen. Ah, damn…

Souichi slid to the next picture, which Kanako had snapped with his cell without his knowledge. His sister had caught the two of them in the yukatas during Emi's omiyamairi. In it, Souichi had been carrying Emi while Morinaga bent over them, his head tilted to kiss their daughter. The poignant emotion shone from the man's face, even in profile. Souichi gazed quietly at the slightly blurred image of their little family. The picture had, thankfully, not captured the turmoil of that day.

Feeling his mood improve again as he finished going through the remaining pictures, Souichi placed his mobile by the side and picked up the article again. He would work hard and finish up quickly so that he could go home earlier—

"Aww, that's a really cute baby! Is she yours, Tatsumi- san?"

Souichi swiveled around in his chair, recognising the woman's voice immediately. A young graduate student with brunette curls was now bent over his mobile, gazing avidly at his mobile wallpaper. She was donned in a lab coat, the blue-and-yellow logo of Tokyo University displayed prominently on the breast pocket of the white attire.

Yuki Manami was a full- time student in Todai's Agricultural and Life Sciences graduate school. She was a bright and cheerful woman who had generously helped Souichi to complete all the paperwork for the programme and settled him into their research team. They had become friends of sorts, although Souichi still knew little about her beyond the fact that she was also a graduate student.

Souichi sighed internally. Unless absolutely necessary, he kept his private affairs to himself. Morinaga's near- dismissal from S Pharmaceuticals because of his pregnancy had made him wary and Souichi was not going to create unwanted attention and trouble unto themselves.

However, knowing that there was no point in denying the truth since the woman had clearly seen Emi's picture, he set the papers down and fulfilled Manami's curiosity. "Yea, she's my daughter. Her name's Emi."

Manami leaned in close to examine the photo, cooing and ahhing as though Emi were right in front of her. "Oh my, she's such a beauty! Such black hair and green eyes! She must take after your wife, Tatsumi- san!"

"…Yea." Souichi coughed as the image of Morinaga's face and decidedly manly figure materialized in his mind. His wife, huh. Hrmph, if that was the case, why the hell was _he_ always pushed down by that bear, huh! And who was the one who had had to go through all the discomforts and pain of pregnancy and labour?! And, as though the irony were not galling enough, Emi had come out looking like a miniature version of Morinaga! However, even Souichi could not deny the fact that Emi was as adorable as a button, which implied that Morinaga was, too…Pish!

"Hhahaha, it is quite sad to have your first child not resembling you in the least, huh! I completely understand the feeling!" Manami had pulled a chair and sat down unceremoniously beside Souichi. The bubbly woman leaned in close and whispered conspiratorially, "Actually, I'm already a mother of two, but don't tell anybody else, okay? The juniors think that I'm only twenty- four!"

"Oh, you already have children? I see." Souichi was surprised by her admission. Manami, with her tea- brown hair and youthful appearance, made her look like a young teenager more than a mother. So she was also one of those young parents whose figures were maintained after giving birth. His hand went unconsciously to his abdomen. It was slightly thicker than before he had had Emi.

"Let's exchange numbers, Tatsumi- san! Maybe we could arrange to visit each other and our children soon! Your daughter's too charming for me to resist! Here, my number—"

Souichi's eyebrows went up at her spontaneity. He wondered if anybody had ever told Yuki Manami that she was like a tornado, completely irrepressible. However, looking at her expectant and sincere face, Souichi was hard- pressed to reject her. He entered her number into his cell and then immediately dropped her a missed call. "There you have it."

Yuki Manami nodded happily as she recorded his number in her cell. "Oh my, I thought that I would be the only graduate student who was married, since I didn't see a ring on your finger. Hoho, the juniors are going to be so disappointed! They had been so looking forward to your arrival, Tatsumi- san! Fufufu." The young woman did not sound particularly sympathetic as her eyes crinkled in mirth.

"Wait, I'm not marr—" Souichi stopped himself in time. Manami's reaction to the fact that he had a child was typical. She had immediately assumed that he was married to a woman, who had borne him Emi. His course mate would never have imagined the truth! However, revealing it would invite too many questions… "Well, I already have my family and really, those girls should be focusing on their studies instead of on such ridiculous topics!"

"Hahah, you are really as strict as you seem, Tatsumi- san. The juniors just want to have a little fun! Haha." Manami cocked her head in confusion for a minute but dismissed his strange reaction as a fluke.

The bullet- train that was her mind immediately switched to the next topic. "Ne, so what kind of ring did you get your wife? My husband was soo stingy! He only got me a one- carat solitaire ring! Hrmph…But well, he was clever enough to carve something sweet inside the ring. Wanna see?" Without waiting for his answer, Manami had taken off her wedding ring and placed it in Souichi's palm.

"To my only love, Manami." Souichi dutifully read out the characters carved out elegantly on the inner band of the ring, noticing Manami's rapt expression as he did so. For all her complaints, it was obvious that his course mate was completely smitten with her partner.

Souichi passed the ring back to Manami, who slipped it on carefully back onto her left ring finger. The reverence with which she did so made him pause. Manami looked so happy that Souichi felt a strange pang in his heart. It reminded him of Morinaga, of that fateful night when Souichi had proposed to him. That baka had looked exactly as Manami did now, complete wonder and joy shining on his face as he held the adoption papers to his chest…

"Tatsumi- san? Are you listening? I said that I have to go now."

Manami was gazing curiously at him again and Souichi quickly reined in his thoughts. "Yes, sorry, Yuki- san. Since you are leaving now, then I'll see you tomorrow. We'll be starting on the experiments formally then, right?"

"Yes, so rest up well tonight, Tatsumi- san! It's going to be a tough time ahead for at least two months, I reckon. Mata, ne!" Waving goodbye to him cheerily, Manami swept out of the lounge, earning some frowns and glares from other studious dwellers.

Souichi sat a little longer at his desk, no longer in the mood for studying. Manami's talk about marriage and rings had started in him a chain of thought that now refused to be ignored or switched off. He leaned back against the chair, hearing it creak.

Marriage, huh. Beyond giving Morinaga the adoption papers and telling his father about their intentions, Souichi had not done much further than that. Part of it was because all of them had been preoccupied with too many things in the past few months—Morinaga's work and parents, Souichi's own exchange programme, Emi's arrival and their move to Tokyo—there had been no time to focus on their marriage ceremony, if one could call it that.

And yet, Souichi also knew that being busy was only an excuse. Despite his proposal, despite his announcement to his father, somewhere, deep inside him, the doubts had never been eradicated. Could marriage between two men really work out? Could there be a happily ever after for them?

The act of their marriage would be simple—just a signing ceremony with two witnesses to formalize it. However, with that signature, Morinaga would be his family member forever. His kouhai would no longer just be a junior but also his husband and partner in every way that mattered. He would be the closest to Souichi, closer even than Kanako, Tomoe and Matsuda- san.

Morinaga would, in other words, take possession of Souichi completely. Irrevocably. The significance of his proposal sank in fully at that moment.

_'Do you, Tatsumi Souichi, take Morinaga Tetsuhiro as your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part?'_

The sonorous voice in his mind seemed so real that Souichi pushed out of his seat, nearly losing his balance with the momentum. Panic overtook him and the large lounge suddenly felt overwhelmingly stifling. Breathing hard, and uncaring that the man in the adjacent cubicle was glaring daggers at him, Souichi stuffed his notes into his backpack haphazardly. Without another backward glance, he stalked away from the desk and made a beeline for the exit.

The voice in his head refused to go away.

* * *

**To be continued.**

**A/N: Greetings to you all! To my previous readers, I would once again like to say thank you for reading, and to new readers, I do hope that you will enjoy this story! **


	2. Storm clouds in the horizon

**A/N: Dear all, thank you for reading and commenting! I present to you: Chapter 2. Please enjoy :)**

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**Chapter 2: Storm clouds in the horizon**

**xxx Tetsuhiro xxx**

The childcare center was a modest building situated just a few streets away from Tetsuhiro's company. Its cheerfully painted signboard and colourful fencing set it apart from the other buildings. As Tetsuhiro pushed open the gate and entered the main entrance, he caught the sounds of children laughing and playing within the rooms.

Tetsuhiro had heard about the childcare center from his married colleagues, who had recommended it not only because it was near S Pharmaceuticals but also because of its excellent childcare services. Seeing as both Tetsuhiro and Souichi had had to return to their work once their leave was up, the center had seemed like a godsend to them.

The cheerful receptionist immediately spotted him as Tetsuhiro shut the wooden door and approached the desk. "Morinaga- san, you are punctual as always! Emi is already awake and waiting for you; please wait for a moment, ne." She smiled at him warmly before disappearing to the infant nursery.

Tetsuhiro bowed back in greeting and waited patiently at the desk, as was his habit for the two weeks that Emi had been enrolled here. Soon, his little princess was brought out, bright- eyed and cherubic, by the nanny that looked after the youngest charges of the center. Quickly, Tetsuhiro put down his briefcase and reached out to hold his daughter.

As always, a profound sense of peace and joy washed over Tetsuhiro. Even after a long day of hard work, Tetsuhiro could feel all his fatigue fading away as he kissed Emi's head, hugging her close. "Hey sweetie, Papa's here to fetch you home! Did you miss me?"

His baby was wide- awake, her green eyes large and dewy. As though in greeting, Emi's fist patted against Tetsuhiro's cheek, causing him to chuckle. He grabbed her little hand and grazed a kiss on her knuckle. Really, Emi was a miniature Sempai in every way except for looks! He finally noticed the pink ribbon tying up a tuft of her hair and turned to smile at the nanny. "The ribbon looks so cute on her! Emi, say thank you to obachan—" As the baby gurgled and cooed in Tetsuhiro's arms, the adults exchanged indulgent beams.

"You are such a doting father, Morinaga- san! It's so heartening to see that there are still men who arrange his schedule around his children, rather than around work. Here, this is your swaddle." The receptionist passed Tetsuhiro the baby carrier strap that he left with her every morning and helped him secure Emi within it. "There you have it!"

"Thank you for taking care of Emi everyday; your services always allow me to work with reassurance." Tetsuhiro smiled gratefully at the young woman as she picked up his briefcase and handed it to him. "We will see you again tomorrow, then! Emi, say bye- bye to the nice lady." Tetsuhiro held up his daughter's arm and waved it gently. "Bye- bye!"

Emi peeped out at the receptionist curiously as she lay splayed against her father's chest. The receptionist giggled and patted her head. "Bye- bye, Emi- chan! Be a good girl when you are home, ne? Onee-chan will see you tomorrow."

"Mata, ne!" Bowing and waving, Tetsuhiro exited from the childcare center with his daughter. As he made his way to the subway station, the receptionist's words came back to him. It was true that a salaryman like him pulled in long hours as a matter of course, particularly so in the fast- moving concrete jungle that was Tokyo. However, Tetsuhiro had been determined not to fall into the trap of a work- life imbalance, not when he wanted to spend time with Sempai and Emi! As such, he had managed to work out a suitable schedule with Saga- san. It meant that he had to bring work home but that was fine with Tetsuhiro if that gave him time to make dinner and have some quality time with his family.

Emi was drooling again as she lay contentedly against him. Tetsuhiro immediately took out a handkerchief from his briefcase (ah, a prepared father!) and wiped her mouth with it before his suit could be ruined. Well, this was one drawback of his current circumstances. However, as he kissed his daughter's head and felt her warmth on his chest, a ruined suit was a price that he was all too willing to pay.

* * *

The train ride took a short fifteen minutes from the business district to their apartment. Tetsuhiro knew that he was fortunate that the company provided for their accommodations, which meant affordable rent and convenient transportation.

However, Tokyo University was significantly further away and subsequently, Tetsuhiro was always the first to reach home. As a result, he would go grocery shopping and then cook dinner. By the time Souichi was due back, Tetsuhiro would already have everything prepared so that his lover could kick back and relax.

Today was no exception. With Emi strapped to him and the bags of food juggled expertly in his arms, Tetsuhiro tapped the keycard to the front door and entered their new home.

It never failed to awe him that this was real. This home, their baby; if anybody had asked Tetsuhiro if he believed that he would have all of these with Souichi, he would have laughed—such had been the improbability of making Sempai his.

Tetsuhiro inhaled deeply as he shut the door behind him, feeling the complete happiness engulf him as it did every day. Through the padding of the carrier, Emi's rapid heartbeats trotted in rhythm with his. A deep sense of peace settled into Tetsuhiro. He was home.

"Time for a bath, Emi- chan! Aww, I smell something stinky! Who's the princess who's made a boo-boo in her pants?" Placing the groceries in the kitchen, Tetsuhiro felt the damp heaviness of Emi's diapers as he patted her bottom. His daughter looked extremely grumpy but did not cry. Fondly, Tetsuhiro kissed her cheeks as they entered the nursery. "Let's change your diapers first, then it's time for you to bathe!"

When he had dealt with the diaper and wiped her bottom clean, Tetsuhiro scooped up his baby and went to the adjacent bathroom. As young as their child was, Emi's bath consisted of being sponged at the sink.

Tetsuhiro filled the porcelain basin with warm water and took out the baby soap, humming as he did so. When the water was at a suitable height and temperature, he removed Emi's jumper. The baby lay quietly in his arms, content now that the smelly diaper had been removed and she was with her papa.

Gently, Tetsuhiro settled Emi into the soapy water, holding her steady with his arm. With the other hand, he used a soft sponge and began to clean her, chuckling because she looked like a tiny seal with wet hair plastered to her scalp. When he was done sponging her, Tetsuhiro drained the soapy water away, replacing it with clean water.

Before Emi, Tetsuhiro had never guessed that he would enjoy fatherhood this much. Having been gay for most of his life, bringing up his own baby had been a dream that had been aborted with his sexual preferences. Emi's arrival was thus incredible, making Tetsuhiro even more determined to be a good father.

To have his own child in his arms, to have another human being completely dependent on him—the feeling was indescribable. Just like now, having his daughter cling on to him as he bathed her, having her whole trust, made Tetsuhiro unbelievably proud. Even now, he was continuously astounded by the wave of protectiveness that surged up whenever he held Emi.

"And we are done! Let's get you dry and warm, sweetheart. And then Papa shall feed you before making dinner for Daddy, okay?" Careful not to let her get chilled, Tetsuhiro quickly wrapped a towel over his daughter and made short work of drying her.

Emi's skin was warm and fragrant by the time he dressed her in her pajamas and mittens. Tetsuhiro snuggled her, falling in love all over again when she smiled at him. Settling her into the crib, he tickled her chin fondly. "All right, it's time to prepare your milk! Wait here for Papa, Emi- chan!"

His cell rang as he was making his way down the stairs. Tetsuhiro took it out, very surprised when he saw his brother's number flashing across the screen. Since Emi's omiyamairi, there had been no contact between the two of them. The circumstances in which they had parted made his buoyed mood darken a little. "…Hai, Nii- san?"

_"Um, Tetsuhiro? Ahh, this is Kunihiro. It's been a while since we have talked…Ahh, hope I'm not calling you at a bad time." _

Kunihiro sounded equally awkward over the line. Reaching the bottom of the stairs, Tetsuhiro turned the corner and entered the kitchen. He took out Emi's powder formula and a sanitized bottle from the sanitiser. "…It's fine, Nii- san. I was just making Emi's formula…How are you?"

_"Yea, I'm fine—everything's fine over here in Kyuushuu. Ano, how are you and Souichi- kun? Everything is fine with the baby?" _

"Yea, we have settled into our Tokyo apartment…I told you about the move before, right? How is Masaki- san?"

_"He's all right too. Well, I know about your relocation. Actually, that was the reason why I called so suddenly. The thing is, I'll be in Tokyo next month. I was just wondering about the issue of your being adopted into the Tatsumi family…I mean, have you signed the papers already?" _

The mention of Tetsuhiro's adoption made him pause in the midst of mixing the formula. Why was Nii- san asking about it…? "Ano, Sempai and I haven't discussed when we are going to sign the papers, actually. Why are you asking about it, Nii- san?"

_"Ahh, no, no…"_ There was a sigh and an embarrassed cough. _"I just—I just wanted to be kept abreast of the issue, since my little brother is essentially…getting married, after all. I mean, I would have liked to know, although I guess I'm not really in the right position to say that, seeing as I didn't inform you about my marriage that time…" _Kunihiro's voice trailed off.

Putting down the milk bottle, Tetsuhiro gave the conversation his entire attention. He could feel his brother's regret, though they were miles and miles apart. Even after so long…his heart warmed. It seemed that, no matter how badly broken his relationship with his parents was, his older brother was not going to leave him too. "About that—it's okay, Nii- san. It's over already, right? I'm already happy that we can be talking like this. Remember how we didn't exchange a single word in years?"

_"…I'm sor—"_

"It's fine, Nii- san. I was not looking to appoint blame. Besides, I did not really try to keep in contact, either." Tetsuhiro could feel the old emotions stirring up again. "Regarding my m-marriage with Sempai, I'll update you when we have discussed about it, okay?"

_"Yes, yes—that'd be great, marvelous, actually." _There was another awkward pause.

"Nii- san?" A sudden thought occurred to Tetsuhiro and suddenly, all those years of brotherhood and camaraderie that they had lost did not hurt as much.

_"Yes?"_

Softly, Tetsuhiro spoke into the phone, feeling his heart constrict. "I won't leave you out of my life again. I'm glad that you called tonight—let's meet up when you are in Tokyo, okay?"

_"…Un, I'm-I'm looking forward to it. Give my regards…and apologies to Souichi- kun for me, could you?" _Kunihiro took in a deep breath, audible through the intercity line. _"I'm glad that we talked today, too. All the best with the baby and your work. See you, then."_

"See you, Nii- san."

His brother went off the line with a click. Tetsuhiro set the mobile phone on the counter and just stood there for a moment, rewinding the conversation. Nii- san had him in his heart and wanted to be involved in Tetsuhiro's life. It felt absolutely amazing.

With a start, Tetsuhiro realized that Emi was still waiting for her bottle upstairs. As though on cue, a loud cry wailed through the house, quickening his movements as he finished preparing the milk. His little princess was hungry!

There was one more thing that Kunihiro's call had reminded Tetsuhiro of. Months had already passed since Sempai had proposed to him. However, no further mention of the adoption had been made.

Tetsuhiro understood that the distractions had been plenty, with him being the cause of most of them. The most vexing and hurtful one had been the falling out with his parents. Even now, he knew that Sempai was still angry that Masahiro and Keiko had wanted to take Emi away from him. The two elders had had no intention to view Souichi as family from the start.

Then, Tetsuhiro had also nearly gotten fired from his job at S Pharmaceuticals because of the media backlash on their pregnancy. Dr. Maya, whom Sempai seemed to dislike intensely, had become involved too. During that trying period, Sempai had been his pillar of strength and sanctuary even while being heavily pregnant with Emi.

Thus, even though Tetsuhiro was anxious, even though he desperately wanted to become a part of Souichi's family, he had not pushed the issue. However, now that everything had been settled and they had successfully relocated to Tokyo, it seemed appropriate to bring their relationship to the next level.

All right then! He would wait for Sempai's return and then bring up the topic. Tetsuhiro smiled excitedly as he entered the nursery. As he reached the crib and took Emi into his arms, thoughts of their wedding night and a blissful honeymoon filled Tetsuhiro's mind. Marry, marry—Sempai and he would be getting married soon!

* * *

"I'm home."

Sempai! He was back! Setting the last dish on the dining table, Tetsuhiro dashed out of the kitchen, eager to see his lover. "Sempai, welcome home!" The precious words, spoken with relish every single day, still filled Tetsuhiro with delight. Their castle's inhabitants were all present now.

His favourite person was still removing his sneakers, long, silky hair falling sideways over his shoulders as he bent down. Tetsuhiro did not even wait for Souichi to straighten before he was all over him, his arms wrapping tightly around the startled man.

However, as he enveloped Souichi in his hug, the scent of tobacco hit his nose. It clung to the man's clothes, faint but still detectable. Tetsuhiro frowned—Sempai had not smoked since being pregnant with Emi.

"…Oi, Morinaga—" Souichi's voice was muffled, his head tucked against Tetsuhiro's neck. The man struggled, his elbows digging into him. "Get off of me, Morinaga!" With a strong push, Souichi finally freed himself.

Tetsuhiro could not catch himself in time. Shocked by Souichi's strength, he tripped over the low step separating the genkan from the living room and fell heavily on his butt. "Oof!"

As Tetsuhiro sat there on the floor, stunned, Souichi cursed beneath his breath, his fists clenched. Neither of them moved for a moment. Finally, seemingly with reluctance, the long- haired man bent down and pulled Tetsuhiro up. The moment that he regained his feet, however, Souichi released him and stalked towards the living room. "Don't attack me the moment I enter the house, damnit!"

Sempai had rejected his greeting. Standing at the genkan with his stinging back, Tetsuhiro felt his earlier euphoria dissipate, to be replaced by an aching sense of hurt. It was the first time that this had happened since moving into this apartment. Something was not right with Sempai tonight. A little sad but still determined to spend time with Souichi, Tetsuhiro hobbled to the living room after him.

Souichi had thrown his backpack on the sofa and sank down beside it. A brown envelope on the coffee table got his attention. Ah, Sempai had noticed the adoption papers. Tetsuhiro also sat down on the three- seater couch, waiting for the man to pick it up. Surely he recognized the envelope, which Souichi himself had given to Tetsuhiro four months ago.

The man did not show any reaction, however. Opening his mouth to speak, Tetsuhiro adopted a light tone, trying to keep his disappointment hidden. "Ano, Sempai, I'm sorry if I gave you a shock just now…But, I'm always very happy when you come home! I feel like—well, like we are already married, even though we have not signed these papers yet..."

A glance at Souichi's face and Tetsuhiro's bubble of courage immediately deflated. His partner looked like Tetsuhiro had just brought up a taboo topic, his face so forbidding that it seemed like a shadow had eclipsed over it.

Tetsuhiro suddenly felt chilled to the bone. Jumping up from the sofa, he changed the subject with false gaiety. "N-ne, Sempai, you must be hungry! I've cooked your favourite dishes tonight—there's miso cod and—"

"Stop it, Morinaga!"

The forceful command arrested Tetsuhiro in his step, halfway between the couch and the kitchen. There was real anger in Sempai's voice. The loud bang on glass made him jump. Souichi had slammed his fist against the table, rattling the potted plant there. His elegant features were twisted in aggravation.

"We are not married yet, for goodness sake! Giving me a welcome- back hug, cooking my favourite dishes—don't go overboard on them, Morinaga! Shit!"

Sempai was—Sempai was looking at him as though he could not stand to be around him…A loud thrumming in his ears, Tetsuhiro stepped hesitantly forward. "I—I don't understand, Sempai. Doing all those things—that's because we are l-lovers, aren't we? I mean—Sempai proposed to me, and so you are my fiancé, right? That's why I—"

"Don't say it!" Souichi shot up from the sofa, his face mottling in fury. "Don't assume that things are just going to go a certain way just because—just because we had a child together! That's no reason—" Breathing hard, the long- haired man bit off the words and stalked towards the stairs. "I won't be having dinner tonight—!"

The slam of the bathroom door was resounding in the still aftermath of the fight. Tetsuhiro stood alone in the living room. Without warning, his legs gave up on him and he nearly knocked his head against the coffee table as he fell. Why had Sempai—?

It only seemed an eternity that he finally picked himself up from the cold floor. The kitchen beckoned to him, as though knowing that he needed comforting. Dazed, Tetsuhiro entered the familiar terrain and sank down at the dining table.

Ah, the dinner that he had cooked—miso cod, stir- fried vegetables and chahan; they were all Sempai's favourites. They stared up at him forlornly, as though asking him why the most important person was still not here to eat them. Tetsuhiro blinked rapidly and turned away from the table.

After storing the food and cleaning up in the kitchen, Tetsuhiro started making his way upstairs. Despite the argument just now, he did not want to leave things hanging on such a bad note—ah, the envelope.

For a long moment, Tetsuhiro gazed at the documents that he had carefully kept for so long. It was the equivalent of an engagement ring; concrete proof that Sempai had meant every single word when he had asked Tetsuhiro to stay by his side.

It must have been momentary anger; perhaps Sempai had been frustrated by a failed experiment at school, or somebody had stepped on his toes. Those words that he had flung out—they meant nothing; Sempai could not have meant…

His bewilderment and gloom only got worse as Tetsuhiro, with Souichi's backpack in tow, entered the master bedroom. It was much larger than the single rooms in their previous apartment. A king- sized bed was the centerpiece of the room, its cushioned headboard set against the far wall.

Souichi was nowhere to be seen. Not knowing what to do as he waited for his upset lover, Tetsuhiro paced around the room, glancing at the door intermittently. What should he do once Sempai came in? Should he touch him? Should he try apologizing once again? However, for the life of him, Tetsuhiro could not recall how he could have made his lover so upset. Had he perhaps done something without realising? "Urghh!" The bed bounced as he flumped onto it, desperately racking his brain for any misdemeanor.

Sempai and he had been all lovey- dovey since moving from Nagoya to Tokyo. Mornings were spent fussing over Emi's milk and diapers before they settled down to having breakfast together. As Souichi needed to leave home earlier to travel to the university, Tetsuhiro would send him off with a homemade bento and a kiss for the best of luck.

And at night, Sempai would let Tetsuhiro hold him, his unspoken acquiescence still wondrous to the younger man. Of course, it was not as though Tetsuhiro would always get what he wanted but given the way Souichi used to rebuff his every gesture, things were a hundredfold easier, and if Tetsuhiro dared to think it, more passionate.

All in all, his life now was virtually perfect. Yet, even as he had been immersed in such bliss, a sense of skepticism, born from his past experiences with Masaki- san and his parents, had remained. It had been easy to tell Sempai that he could move on. However, deep inside, an insidious fear, of loneliness, of abandonment, had stayed and festered in his heart.

_"We are not married yet, for goodness sake! Giving me a welcome- back hug, cooking my favourite dishes—don't go overboard on them, Morinaga! _

As Souichi's words rang in his ears again and again, Tetsuhiro buried his face in his hands. No, no no… Yet, try as he might, the insecurity took over him, upsetting the core of peace that he had thought would last forever.

_"Don't assume that things are just going to go a certain way just because—just because we had a child together!_

It was only the sound of the door opening that alerted him to Souichi's arrival. The scent of talcum powder had now replaced the tobacco. Tetsuhiro looked up, unable to look away from his lover's lithe form, even as his heart began beating a sick tune.

Souichi paused as he reached the bed. With only a hard glance in Tetsuhiro's direction, the long- haired man settled down on his side of the bed. There was some rummaging and the rustle of sheets.

Was Sempai now regretting his proposal to him? Was that why he had not wanted Tetsuhiro to do so many things for him, for fear that he would be tied down once a pattern was established? Was the little voice in Tetsuhiro's heart, which had been whispering doubts and worries even while he lived his perfect life, right after all?

Miserably, Tetsuhiro stood up from the bed. He could not take it; the sudden, overwhelming sense of anxiety that made him feel like he was about to cry at any moment. "I—I'm just going to see that Emi's tucked in for the night."

"Oi, Morinaga—"

Tetsuhiro did not wait to hear what Souichi was about to say as he quickly stepped out of their bedroom. The door shut firmly behind him. In the darkened hallway, he felt lost, disoriented. He was just thinking too much, right? Sempai had not meant that…he did not want him, right?

Minutes ticked by before Tetsuhiro realized that he was still standing outside of the master bedroom. There was no movement from within and he breathed a thin sigh of relief. Thank Kami that Sempai had not followed after him. As vulnerable as he felt now, Tetsuhiro knew that any words that they exchanged now would easily cut, and cut deeply. Hurriedly, he entered the adjacent nursery, not realizing that he could have gone there via the connecting door in the master bedroom.

The baby crib was bathed in moonlight, the toy mobile playing a twinkling lullaby as his daughter slept beneath. Tetsuhiro felt his heart calm down a little as he approached the crib and looked at her peaceful countenance. Emi was fast asleep on her back, her plump arms raised with her fists clenched. She looked like a fighter even in dreams.

Tenderness washed through him as he fingered Emi's downy cheeks. Tetsuhiro pulled the wooden chair that they had placed in the nursery and sat down beside his sleeping daughter.

Surrounded by soft toys and the comforting presence of his baby, Tetsuhiro felt that he could forget, at least for the night, the unbearable doubts that had sprung forth and could no longer be kept back.

* * *

**To be continued.**


	3. A stormy night, torn hearts

**A/N: I present to you, Chapter 3 :) Please, enjoy.**

* * *

**Chapter 3: A stormy night, torn hearts**

**xxx Souichi xxx**

For the first time in ten months, Souichi had picked up a cigarette.

And not just one but half a pack. Stepping into the convenience store, pointing at his old brand of menthols, taking out the cash to pay for it—the guilt that he had broken the vow that he had made for Emi's sake had plagued him even as he took the first swig.

The nicotine fix had helped, however. The calming, repetitive act of smoking, the gradual but definite relaxation of his nerves—without it, Souichi might never have made it home.

Damnit. Seeing Yuki Manami, hearing her talk about marriage—it had opened up a vortex of doubt and uncertainties that Souichi had not anticipated. Having not felt such conflicting emotions when he had pro—presented the adoption papers to Morinaga, or even when had even given birth and relocated to Tokyo, the strong surge of negativity had flummoxed him.

It was only at the threshold of their apartment that he had been able to put a name to the suffocating pain in his chest. It was fear. With the keycard in his hand, Souichi's mind had gone blank for a terrifying moment. In that house, just behind the door, were his fiancé and daughter.

The enormity of it was so tremendously incredible that Souichi had stumbled away from the door. Fiancé. Daughter. Tokyo. It was only then that he had made a huge self- discovery.

He, Tatsumi Souichi, had changed, fundamentally. Every perception of himself—as a man, as an adult—had shifted and morphed until he could hardly recognize himself now. Bearing a child, giving birth to her and moving clear across Japan to live with his f-fiancé—Souichi had been so caught up with the motions of life that he had not even realized how deeply his beliefs and the way he now viewed the world had been altered.

Overwhelmed, and incredibly shaken, Souichi had suddenly entertained a dark thought. If—if he had not been able to conceive, if Emi had never been born then, would he and Morinaga be living together as they were doing now, like a normal, heterosexual couple preparing for marriage? Would Souichi have proposed to his kouhai if there had been no need to look after a child?

Without a baby, would Souichi have so willingly yielded to the notion of being together with another man, and in the w-wife position to boot?

He had been unable to answer those questions. Frozen by the entrance, Souichi had only found the courage to enter the house by consoling himself that nothing had really changed—their household of two had merely increased to three. That was all it was!

The instant that he had stepped into the apartment, however, Morinaga had spun out of the kitchen like a tornado and embraced him, blessedly unaware of the war waging in Souichi's mind.

_"I'm always very happy when you come home! I feel like—well, like we are already married, even though we have not signed these papers yet!"_

With those words, Morinaga had torn down the wall of pretense that Souichi had just built up. Bound in those arms, Souichi had only felt frustration and agitation. Morinaga's unrestrained show of affection, his natural assumption as Souichi's partner—it was as though the man was mocking him, being so confident when Souichi could not even figure out how they had even gotten here in the first place!He had exploded, then.

And now, here they were, stuck in a quandary as Souichi walked across the bedroom without exchanging a word with the other man. Souichi could feel Morinaga's eyes on him, following his every action as he bent down and took out his notes from the backpack. He frowned, remembering that he had last left it in the living room. Had Morinaga…?

"I-I'm just going to see that Emi's tucked in for the night."

That bastard. Had Morinaga not been waiting for him? Why was it that he was leaving when Souichi was here now?! Besides, the man's excuse to leave the room was pathetic! Morinaga would surely know that Souichi had already put Emi to bed properly, seeing as it was his routine every night! What the hell— "Oi, Morinaga!"

To his disbelief, the younger man did not turn back. Instead, with a quick click, his kouhai exited the room, leaving Souichi in bed, utterly pissed. That idiot baka! He had some nerve, turning his back on Souichi when he had expressly called him back!

The long- haired man glared at the bedroom door, as though it had been the one who had defied him. Yes, so he had been the one to start the fight but that did not give Morinaga the right to ignore him! He was Tatsumi Souichi, for Kami's sake, and his sempai to boot!

Bristling in anger, and totally ignoring the twinge in his chest, Souichi flopped back against the pillows. Fine! If that man wanted to do it this way, then he would let him! He shall see who would crumble first! "Idiot…!"

* * *

Souichi only noticed that he had nodded off when he woke up with a jerk, his stomach growling loudly. Woozily, he glanced automatically to the other side of the bed, wanting to make sure that he had not awoken Morinaga.

Sleep fled as he registered the smooth and untouched sheets. Morinaga's side of the bed was cold. Souichi sat up swiftly, fingers clenching against the quilts. That man— Morinaga had really not wanted to sleep with him!

Suddenly unable to stay still, Souichi flung the blanket aside and got off of the bed, fuming. Even though he had waited for him to come back—! It was the first time in a year that they had not shared a bed together…Mind in a whirl, Souichi noticed his backpack a second too late. With a crash, he stumbled over it and fell against the floorboards. "Damnit!"

What the hell…Rubbing his bruised shin, Souichi did not get up from the floor. In the darkened bedroom, all he could hear was silence. The quiet snores from Morinaga were conspicuously absent. "What the hell—Morinaga!"

For all his exclamations, however, the younger man did not appear. Souichi cursed again, suddenly feeling defeated. He had only said the truth to him; why in the world did Morinaga have to take it so badly to heart?! Leaning back against the bed, he recalled the fight from earlier that night.

_"We are not married yet, for goodness sake! Giving me a welcome- back hug, cooking my favourite dishes—don't go overboard on them, Morinaga!" _

_"Don't assume that things are just going to go a certain way just because—just because we had a child together! _

All of those words had been true! For starters, they had indeed not signed the adoption papers! Also, he had been stating the facts about people not getting married, even after they had children! The statistics were there; he had not made them up!

"Shit…" Souichi closed his eyes as Morinaga's crestfallen face flashed in front of him again. He had merely narrated the facts; he had not been looking for excuses, right? Yet, Morinaga had sensed his wavering instinctively; for all his assurance and confidence, the man had not been able to overlook Souichi's hesitation.

Flinging open the door, Souichi stalked out of their bedroom and headed straight to the guest room. If Morinaga had not returned to their room to sleep then the man would be in there. Within a few seconds, he had entered the room. Souichi marched directly to the single bed, expecting to see his kouhai's lanky figure in it.

To his utter surprise, there was nobody there. The bed was still made neatly; untouched as the day they had furnished it. Shit. Without more thought, Souichi exited the room and flew down the stairs. That bastard Morinaga! Wait till he got his hands on him—! As he took the last step, Souichi flipped on the ceiling lights, flooding the living area with bright light. "Morinaga—"

The lights revealed their three- seat sofa in its butter leather glory, but no dark- haired, green- eyed man. Souichi spun around in the spacious area, as though expecting his kouhai to pop out from somewhere else. However, the first storey was entirely silent, save for the ticking of the clock that chimed the time as two in the morning.

Souichi shivered, suddenly noticing the drop in the temperature. Spring nights in Tokyo were colder than in Nagoya. Wait, Morinaga had only been wearing a thin sweater just now—he was going to freeze to death in this weather! A sudden thought occurred to him as he stood in the empty living room. Surely the baka could not have—!

Souichi went directly to the shoe cabinet by the genkan, suspicions and worry causing him to rock the cupboard as he wrung the door open. If the man had disappeared on him again—the relief when he saw Morinaga's black leather boots made his knees sag. Souichi stood staring at the shoes for a moment, trying to calm his racing heart. No, that baka had promised him…

The last place that he had not checked was the nursery. Souichi trudged up the steps once more and turned in the direction of the baby room. But surely Morinaga had only used Emi as an excuse to get away from Souichi, right? He could not be in there, just steps away from him.

Souichi turned the door handle and stood at the threshold of the nursery. A familiar lullaby was playing as the baby mobile danced in the moonlight. Souichi stepped into the cozy room, noticing a figure hunched over the wooden bars of the crib where Emi slept. His heart gave a lurch as Morinaga's slumbering face was revealed by the dim moonshine.

The younger man was sound asleep, a hand dangling from the bars to touch their baby's leg. His soft breathing was in tandem with Emi's, as they lay in dreams together. Souichi felt his shoulders slump in relief. There he was, finally. So he had really come to see Emi, huh.

The baka… Souichi brushed a finger across Morinaga's face, expecting to feel the man's usual warmth. Instead, the younger man's face was chilled and Souichi noticed, upon closer look, that Morinaga was shivering even as he slept.

Quickly, Souichi checked on their baby, worried that she would be cold too. However, Emi seemed to be fine, bundled as she was in her warm pajamas, cap, and mittens. Souichi stroked her head softly before hurrying back to their bedroom. From the closet, he took out a woolen blanket and returned to the nursery. Methodically, he tucked it around Morinaga's body, trying to make it stay and not fall to the ground.

"Ughh…" Morinaga shifted in the chair as he woke up slowly, head still against the crib. Souichi stilled his movements immediately, not wanting the man to wake up and catch him. However, it was too late. The younger man sat up from his slumped position and glanced groggily at Souichi. "S-sempai? What are you doing…? Ehh, why are we in the nursery?"

"A-ask that of yourself, baka! Falling asleep like this when it's so cold out—don't expect me to look after you if you catch a cold!" Unable to look directly into Morinaga's searching eyes, Souichi stalked to the connecting door and yanked it open.

"Wait, Sempai—!" With a clatter, Morinaga stood up from the chair and followed after him, the blanket drawn around his shoulders. "Did you bring this for me?"

"Keep it down, Emi's sleeping!" Souichi whispered fiercely, smacking Morinaga's arm away. However, the younger man just kept advancing on him, forcing him closer and closer to their bed.

"Sempai…"

Morinaga's eyes were burning into his. Faced with his lover as he was, Souichi's face heated up as he felt the man's leg brush against his. Barely able to hear over the drumming of his heart, Souichi's back hit the side of the bed and he fell clumsily against it. "W-whoa! Baka, what the hell are you doing—!"

The taller man leaned over him, bringing their faces impossibly close. Morinaga's right cheek was red from where he had been leaning against the crib. "Bringing the blanket for me—does this mean that you are no longer angry, Sempai?"

"What angr—" Opening his mouth to argue, Souichi fell silent when Morinaga buried his head against Souichi's nape, his warm breath shaky against his skin. Distinctly, he felt a warm tear plop onto his shoulder. "M-morinaga—"

"It-it was just momentary anger, right, Sempai? The proposal—can I still believe that it's true? C-can I?"

The urgently whispered words fluttered against his ears. Wrapped in the woolen blanket, in his lover's misery, the guilt wracked Souichi fully. He could feel Morinaga's tears beginning to wet his neck. Any strength that he had left fled. Souichi lay beneath his lover, feeling their hearts beat together. "Morinaga…"

"I promise not to go o-overboard again! Kissing and hugging you—if you don't like it, if you find it bothersome, I'll try to hold myself back! Just—just don't say that you regret proposing to me…" Sitting up suddenly, Morinaga pushed himself away from a surprised Souichi. The man sat down heavily by his side of the bed, leaving a gap between their bodies. "I—I have only ever wanted to love you, not trouble you…!"

The cold night air settled against Souichi's body, startling after the warmth of Morinaga. Every word of the man's whispered confession carved into his heart. Souichi turned to look at his kouhai. Morinaga was crying silently beside him, fists clenched so hard that Souichi could see the whites of his nails.

The back of his own eyes prickled. There were so many things he could tell Morinaga—all of his worries, all about the irrational fear that still bubbled in his stomach. How he could not seem to remember why he had proposed in the first place.

Or Souichi could simply give voice to the persistent thought that had sprung in his mind, the biggest snake in the writhing nest of doubt that was eating up his insides. He could be entirely honest and tell the man who had loved him for the better half of a decade: Hey, let's not get married, after all.

However, Souichi could not do it. If he told Morinaga all of those things, if he expressed even one iota about the dark mass of emotion in him, there was no doubt that he would make things worse. He would only bring even more sadness into Morinaga's eyes, which had always looked upon him with adoration…

And so, Souichi summoned his customary brusque, using it as a buffer against those overwhelming emotions. Sitting up as well, he roughened his voice and smacked his lover on the head. "Don't think so much about what I said earlier! And stop—stop crying, damnit!" His voice echoed around the bedroom.

Silence followed his outburst. Souichi lowered his hands, forcing himself to calm down. Morinaga was motionless, a statue covered by the gray blanket. Only his eyes held emotion—a wide- eyed, haunted expression that made Souichi turn away, his heart clenching sickeningly. For a fleeting moment, Isogai's voice billowed in his mind. _You are merely escaping. _

"…I can't _not_ think about it, Sempai…" Finally, the silence broke. Morinaga's voice was a ragged whisper as the man bowed his head. The blanket slid down from his shaking shoulders. "Whenever I think of the possibility that you are r-regretting all of these, I—I—uhnn!" A sob escaped the younger man. "Hnn…!"

"Morinaga—" Sitting mere feet away from his lover, Souichi's limbs were frozen, unable to move as Morinaga sniffled hoarsely. He wanted, oh Kami, he wanted to soothe those tears away. Yet, there was also a strange unwillingness to be close to the man, an inexplicable urge to increase the space between them. "I—" Souichi paused. What did he want to say? What could he say—words of reassurance that he could not bring himself to believe at this moment? His mind drew a complete blank.

The silence wound on and on, a gulf widening between the two men on the king- sized bed. Utterly, completely helpless, Souichi could only remain still as Morinaga's tears eventually slowed and stopped.

The man rubbed roughly at his face, removing the tearstains with his fists. It was some moments later that Morinaga looked up, smiling valiantly if unconvincingly. "I know that you can't say things that you don't mean, Sempai. It's okay; I'll wait, I'll be patient. When you are—when you have fully accepted the idea, then we'll talk about the propos—the future, yes? I won't ask you about it again, so don't worry anymore, all right?

"Anyway, it's already so late and I know you have a long day ahead. Sorry for making you go look for me just now, Sempai. I'll switch off the lights; you can go ahead and sleep."

Morinaga had spoken very quickly and as soon as he had finished, he got out of bed, heading for the light switch. The room sank into sudden darkness. Souichi could hear Morinaga's shuffling footsteps and then the rustle of sheets as the man settled beneath the sheets.

"Goodnight, Sempai. Have a good sleep, ne..."

"…" Even though the man lay not three arms' length away from him, Souichi could barely make out the figure of his lover. Slowly, he fell back against the pillows as well, staring at his lover whose back was turned to him. The bed had never seemed so large and cold.

He should be glad. Morinaga had come back to their room to sleep and even though they had had a fight, they had resolved that, right? The man himself had said that he would not push the issue of marriage until he was ready! Look, the baka had even fallen asleep, just like a fluff- headed idiot!

As he took off his glasses and pulled the blanket up to his chin, Souichi lay in the silence, waiting for Morinaga's steady snores to appear. He would sleep when they did. Eyes wide open in the dark, Souichi held his breath, waiting, waiting—

They never came.

* * *

**To be continued.**


	4. Stolen kisses

**A/N: Dear all, please enjoy: Chapter 4.**

* * *

**Chapter 4: Stolen kisses**

**xxx Souichi xxx**

It was still barely light when Souichi felt Morinaga stir beside him, the sheets rustling as he got out of bed. Keeping his eyes tightly shut, Souichi's senses were nonetheless acutely attuned to the man's every movement.

Soft footsteps rounded the bed and came to a stop in front of him. Lying on his side, Souichi continued his pretense even as his pulse began to accelerate. There was a slight creak as Morinaga bent down and kissed his forehead. His breath fanned lightly against Souichi's skin.

It was a long moment, torturous in its secretive affection. Once again, Souichi felt Morinaga's lips press against him. There was the barest of sighs and then the man was gone. The door to the nursery shut quietly.

As wakeful as he had been the entire night, Souichi let his eyes open again. Faint sounds could now be heard from the nursery; the soft cries of their child, the soft cooing of Morinaga as he coaxed her awake. Souichi lay alone in the bed, the walls a gulf between him and the person whom he had pushed away with his own hands. Drawing the quilt over his face, Souichi burrowed back into the sheets. Morinaga's kiss was imprinted into his skin.

It was only a full hour later that Souichi himself got out of bed and went to take a shower. He took a longer time than usual, procrastinating the moment when they would have to meet.

Finally, after he had exhausted every daily routine and there were no longer any excuses to stay upstairs, Souichi headed towards the kitchen. The smell of coffee was already in the air. He stopped for a moment, uncharacteristically hesitant.

Morinaga's back was to him as he heated up some food at the microwave. As Souichi stepped into the cozy cavern, he turned. "Good morning, Sempai."

"…Un, morning." Startled that the man had greeted him first, Souichi entered the kitchen and sat down at the dining table warily. Morinaga's greeting had been cordial, his smile as warm as ever. Unknowingly, a weight on Souichi's chest lifted. Thank Kami that things had not become weird. After all, they were adults living together—there were bound to be some quarrels and conflict. However, his mind shied away from their sleepless night and the words that had been exchanged between them.

As he sat waiting for breakfast, Souichi glanced randomly around. Something felt out of place and for a moment, he could not pinpoint it. His attention went back to the dining table. It was a gleaming expanse of bleached wood, currently devoid of cutlery. That was strange—setting the table was usually the first thing that Morinaga did before cooking breakfast. A little trepidation went through him. Quietly, Souichi stood up and went to the cutlery drawers.

"Ah, I forgot to take the bowls out! Gomen, ne, Sempai." Morinaga sounded flustered. Setting down the last of the food on the table, he hurried over to Souichi. "Let me do it—"

"Idiot, I can still do something as simple as this! Go and do something else, like prepare the coffee!" Morinaga's proximity made Souichi's pulse run. Without thinking, he turned to smack the man's hands away.

"Ahh, gomen!" Before Souichi's fist could connect, Morinaga had already jumped back, his hands lifted. "I won't do it if you don't like it, Sempai." Swiftly, the man walked away. There was a clatter as Morinaga took two cups from the cabinet.

Souichi glared at the offending utensils and Morinaga's back alternately. What the hell, what did those words mean? And what was with that exaggerated reaction, leaping away as though Souichi had bitten him? A little pissed now, he extracted two sets of cutlery from the cupboards and set them noisily on the dining table. Folding his arms, he waited impatiently for Morinaga to come over. He was damn well going to ask him to explain his actions!

As the younger man finished preparing the coffee and returned to the table, Souichi turned on him, scalding words already on his tongue. At that moment, however, his stomach gave a loud growl, reminding him that it had been empty for almost sixteen hours.

"Ah, yes; you didn't have dinner yesterday, Sempai..." Morinaga's voice trailed off. There was an awkward pause as both men looked towards the abundant spread of food. "…Please, go ahead and eat."

The opportunity to question the man passed. Souichi cursed his uncooperative stomach but his gaze was already attracted to the food. Miso cod, stir- fried vegetables, and chahan—they were really all of his favourite dishes. Souichi's uneasiness increased. This was the meal that he had rejected out of infuriation… Throwing another glance at Morinaga, Souichi slowly began to eat.

The first mouthful shocked him with its pleasing flavour. Forgetting to act stoic, Souichi began eating at a faster speed, his chopsticks moving steadily to take the food. The sweet, tangy flavour of the cod was especially appetizing. Morinaga was really rather good at cooking.

In his haste to fill his stomach, it was only a while later that Souichi noticed that Morinaga was moving much slower, eating mostly the rice and leaving the dishes alone. Embarrassed by his appetite, Souichi pushed his favourite cod towards the man. "Hey, eat more. Why are you just spooning the rice?"

Morinaga only shook his head, a small smile of refusal curling his lips. Before Souichi could protest, he had scooped up the remaining fish and placed it into Souichi's bowl. "I'm not that hungry, Sempai. Although these are just leftovers, please eat more, ne." The man put aside his cutlery and picked up his coffee "Gonchisou sama".

"…All right." The conversation dwindled off again. Souichi frowned down at the glistening piece of fish in his bowl. Normally, Morinaga would have vacuumed anything that Souichi offered him. What the hell was with this—this distant attitude? Morinaga was definitely not his usual self! His appetite gone, Souichi set his chopsticks down decisively. "Morinaga, are you still thinking about yest—"

"—About breakfast in future—"

Both of them trailed into silence. As he sat across from Morinaga, witness to the sorrow sliding subtly across the man's face, Souichi could not stand it any longer. Standing up so abruptly that his chair fell backwards, he stalked out of the kitchen. There was a clatter behind him but he did not turn back.

Damnit, damnit—the man had said that he was all right! He had said that he would give Souichi more time! So, what was with this—this guilt feast that had masqueraded as breakfast?! Incensed, he wrung open the door to the nursery.

Emi was in a in high spirits when he entered the nursery. Gazing at the pink- faced, cherubic being gurgling up at him, Souichi took a deep breath, trying to harness his anger. Her Papa was pissing him off but his little girl should not have to endure his frustration.

Slightly calmed, he scooped Emi carefully into his arms. Her warm weight soothed him. Souichi cuddled her for a quiet moment, smiling when her hand bumped against his chin. "Good morning, baby girl."

Having the alone- time with his child soothed him considerably. In the nursery where sunlight shone in warm yellow hues, Souichi focused on Emi's warm weight. Her hair tickled his chin as he cradled her against him. It still seemed so incredible that Emi had been in his womb just two months ago. Yet, here she was, a little pixie currently tasting his hair in her curious mouth. Chuckling, Souichi kissed her head. "Come on, let's get you changed and then Daddy has to go to work, okay?"

Morinaga was already at the genkan when Souichi went downstairs with Emi, a hesitant look on his face as they approached him. Neither of them mentioned about breakfast. Wordlessly, Souichi handed Emi to him, who smiled as she recognized her Papa.

There was no mistaking the distance between them now. The man, who always liked to stick to Souichi like glue, stepped back the moment Emi was secured in his arms. "…Have a good day, Sempai."

"…Un." Turning away swiftly, Souichi slid into his shoes and grabbed his backpack. This was good; such an impersonal exchange of greetings was infinitely preferable. He did not need Morinaga's sappiness, those smothering feelings that the man threw at him regardless of whether he wanted it or not! With unnecessary force, Souichi jerked the door open.

"Sempai, please wait!"

Morinaga's voice was unexpectedly close. Against his own wishes, Souichi paused, midway out of the apartment. That baka had stopped putting on a cold front, huh. Fine, then he would go along with it; see what kind of explanation Morinaga would give for his attitude—Souichi turned back, slowly. Despite his ire, the memory of that morning's kiss made his heart pound. Morinaga was coming ever closer…As the man came within touching distance, Souichi's eyes slid closed of their own accord, as though in anticipation of...

"…Sempai, here—you forgot your wallet..."

His leather purse lay facedown in Morinaga's outstretched palm. The man was biting his lip, brows furrowed, eyes shuttered. He made no move to touch Souichi. In the cool, sunlit genkan, the two men faced each other in frozen silence.

Souichi broke the stalemate first. Snatching up his wallet, he jerked backward when his fingers brushed against Morinaga's. He had mistaken Morinaga's intentions. Instead of his kouhai, Souichi had been the one acting like a love- sick idiot, waiting for Morinaga to send him off with his customary ki—

"Sempai—!"

Almost stumbling in his blind haste to get away, Souichi exited their house. The shame, the shame that was coursing through him now—the gate slammed with a resounding clang but Souichi was already far away, his legs eating up the pavement. He did not see Morinaga standing in front of their apartment, contrasting expressions of disbelief and joy warring in his green eyes.

* * *

"Damnit!"

The pipette tip broke, spilling the reagent on to the table. Some students looked at Souichi in sympathy as he cursed and reached for the towels. Unheeding of their stares, the long- haired man finished cleaning up and sank back into his seat. Damnit, this was the third mistake in as many hours! He would have to repeat the procedure.

"Ah, erm—I'll just get out of your way, Tatsumi- san…" Another graduate student hastily skittered away when Souichi stalked towards the autoclave machine and slammed a basket of equipment into the chamber. The black aura hanging around 'the intimidating exchange student' was so palpable that it was almost visible.

The door to the laboratory swung open and a familiar voice could be heard giving greetings to the other students. However, Souichi did not give a damn about the person. His mind was already preoccupied with too many vexing things, the least not being a certain Morinaga Tetsuhiro…

"Tatsumi- san, konnichiwa! Woah—what's with the scary face?! Something went wrong with the serial dilution?" Yuki Manami suddenly materialized by Souichi's side, her effervescence a complete contrast to his sullenness.

"…Yuki- san." Souichi gave a stiff nod of greeting before turning back to his work. The entire rack of test- tubes, which he had been working on for the past few hours, went into the bin. Beside him, Manami gasped.

"…Hmm, it seems like there's still a ways to go! But it shouldn't be a problem for you, Tatsumi- san." Although it was clear that the experiment had not gone well, Manami kept her tone neutral but she continued to look concerned. "Hey, are you sure that you are feeling all right? I've never seen you look so angry before! Did somebody piss you off?"

"…Nobody." Irritably, Souichi started to clear his workstation. He was not pissed! And he was definitely not thinking about a certain, black- haired idiot! Grabbing the bottle of sanitizer, he pumped the nozzle energetically. Ethanol sprayed in every direction.

"Hey! Be careful with that! Jeez, Tatsumi- san!" Retreating from the ethanol attack, Manami folded her arms and glared at him. "Urghh, since you're waiting for the equipment, why don't we just go for lunch? Come on!" In nimble moves, Manami had snatched the bottle away from Souichi and began to drag him out.

"O-oi! Yuki- san! I'm not done here—"

"Come on, you have to eat, anyway, right? Let's take a breather, man!" Grinning and stubbornly ignoring his protests, the incorrigible lady hooked her arm around his as they exited the laboratory. "Let's eat tonkatsu! They have a special deal for that at the cafeteria today!"

"No—wait!"

* * *

He had not wanted to eat lunch, so what the hell was he doing now?

Glaring at the back view of Yuki Manami as she skipped ahead of him to find a seat, Souichi sighed. The woman had forced him to line up with her at the tonkatsu shop and now, he was balancing two sets of piping- hot tonkatsu in his tray as he trailed behind her like a docile puppy. Damnit, she was like the female version of Isogai!

"Hoho, we got a seat! This is awesome!" The lively girl honed into a recently- vacated table near the entrance of the cafeteria and beckoned to Souichi. "You are so slow, Tatsumi- san!"

The plates jumped as Souichi set the tray smartly on the table. He was not in the mood to eat, much less with somebody else! "You can have both the shares. See you lat—"

"Hey! Is this the way to treat a lady? Come on! Besides, I'll bet that you will be starving not an hour later!" Without waiting for Souichi's response, Manami removed the tray and pulled him into the seat. "Itadakimasu!"

"…" Giving up when Manami continued eating without giving a hoot about the death- glare aimed at her, Souichi slowly picked up his chopsticks and the bowl of rice. Kami, what had he done to deserve two Isogais in his life? His brow ticked in irritation and he completely did not sense the vibration of his cell phone in his pockets.

"Great, you seem in better spirits now! Hehe, I knew the tonkatsu would do the trick." Manami bit off a piece of the fried pork. "You had a quarrel with your wife?"

The question, so unexpected and so close to the truth, struck Souichi hard. His wife…was Morinaga still upset? Outwardly calm, Souichi continued to chew the food. The pork tasted like sandpaper in his mouth.

"Ah, well, if you don't want to answer that then I won't pry. But I'm always here if you need a listening ear, yea?" A sympathetic smile now replaced the mischievous one that had just been dangling from Manami's lips.

Feeling more than a little awkward, Souichi could only nod his head in acknowledgement. He was not used to such candor from others, especially with regards to his private affairs. The only person who had gotten close to him other than his family members was…

Through the cafeteria doors, Souichi caught a glimpse of a familiar- looking figure. The man was tall, with the same mop of blue- black hair—the lunch crowd swam into the cafeteria and the person disappeared from view. Before he knew it, Souichi had stood up, his knees hitting hard against the cushion of the seat. Why was Morinaga here?

"Why did you suddenly stand up, Tatsumi- san?"

"…It's nothing. Sorry about that." He sat down slowly again but Souichi's mind was no longer on his food. No matter how he looked around the bustling café, the person did not reappear. Damnit, he must only have imagined seeing Morinaga just now. The baka could not possibly be here when it was still working hours! Urgh, was he going crazy, thinking about him?

"Are you still going to eat the pork? Don't mind if I helped myself to it, ne!" Taking advantage of his distraction, Manami stabbed a large piece of tonkatsu from Souichi's plate and started munching, her expression one of bliss. "Mhmm, delicious!"

Deciding to put the matter from his mind, Souichi finally turned back to his eating partner. Manami's eyes were closed, enjoying the fried meat with obvious pleasure. The exaggerated show of delight finally made him smile. Noticing some crumbs on her cheeks, Souichi picked up a napkin and passed it to her. "Don't choke on the meat, Yuki- san. There're some crumbs on your face."

"Oh, there are? Thanks!" Taking the napkin, Manami wiped the oil and crumbs from her mouth, frowning when she gave him a look- over as well. "Hey, there's a grain of rice on your chin, too, Well, let me take it off!" Leaning close to him, the woman plucked off the white grain. "There! Wait, let me check if there're other pieces of food; you seemed so distracted just now that I wouldn't be surprised if I found a whole bowl of rice in that long hair of yours!"

"Wh—Yuki- san, there's no need to do this—"

"No, don't move, Souichi!" Like a mother admonishing her son, Manami grabbed Souichi's chin, stopping him from moving away. "Ah hah! There is some more rice in your hair! Here, and here! See, I told you so!"

Discomfited by her closeness, Souichi fidgeted. Only one person had ever touched his face so intimately—without warning, Souichi blushed, his skin remembering the touch of a certain man. Trying to free himself, he jerked his face to the side at the same time that Manami leaned in closer. His lips brushed accidentally against the woman's cheeks.

There was a loud thump against the glass walls of their table. A figure stood outside of the cafeteria, his hands white against the glass. Dressed in a navy suit and tie, Morinaga was looking into their booth, his corporate attire entirely out of place in the university.

As Souichi sat frozen in place, still entangled with his colleague, Morinaga's shocked look slowly vanished, to be replaced by an expressionless mask. He did not wave, or smile. Even as the three of them remained unmoving, surreally fixed in their positions, tears began flowing out from Morinaga's eyes.

He was crying; Morinaga was crying—finally mobilized, Souichi scrambled up, pushing Manami away mindlessly. His chest was burning, hot, intense. He had to get to Morinaga—

Bursting out of the canteen, Souichi pushed past several students, uncaring even when they shouted at him. Swiftly, he rounded the corner and ended up at the other side of the building where Morinaga had been. However, his man was nowhere to be seen. Taking the steps three at a time, Souichi ran down the stairs leading away from the cafeteria. He looked around frantically. Where was he? The wide expanse of the compound had never seemed so daunting.

The baka had misunderstood. He had definitely misunderstood. Again, the images assailed Souichi's mind. Morinaga's crying figure, Morinaga's fingertips pressed white against the glass—worry and fear crashed through him and it took a tremendous effort not to dash out of the university and go after him. Trembling, Souichi whipped out his cell. If he could just reach Morinaga—

There was an unread message in his inbox. The time had been dated just twenty minutes ago and it was from... Already guessing at the content of the message, Souichi opened the mail with a sick premonition.

_Good afternoon, Sempai, how was your day? I hope that your work is coming along smoothly…_

_I'm sorry for acting so willfully this morning. Even when I told myself to think more of you, to not rush you into things that you are not prepared for, I still could not stop being self- centered, which caused you to be hurt…_

_Sempai, could we meet for lunch this afternoon? Actually, I'm already at Todai now. I know that I'm being inconsiderate again but I really, really want to see you. I can't stand the fact that we are like this now!_

_Please call me when you see this message. Forgive me, and I love you, always._

* * *

**To be continued.**


	5. Ame no sayounara (Goodbye in the rain)

**a/n: And after the longest time, I present: Chapter 5. Please, enjoy.**

* * *

**Chapter 5: Ame no sayounara (Goodbye in the rain)**

**xxx Tetsuhiro xxx**

He had to get away.

Crowds pushed past him, faceless strangers moving confidently to their destinations. The sounds of traffic zoomed by him. Everybody had someplace to go, somebody to meet, something to look forward to.

He was the only one who walked with a bent head, the only one who no longer knew where he could go.

Intersection upon intersection, junction upon junction; long strides took him further and further away from Sempai_he did not want to think about it._ The bustle of the university district gradually faded, melding and giving way to residential units. He continued, eyes seeing but not looking, feet moving but not advancing. He could not get far enough.

"…Mister—mister, are you all right? Please don't think about doing anything foolish here! The canal below is actually very deep, so it's dangerous to lean over the railings!"

It was only the persistent voice coming from his right that finally cut through his thick fog of unawareness. Tetsuhiro blinked. With a start, he realized that he was bent over the metal railings of a bridge, his tie and employee card dangling over the gray waters.

Hastily, Tetsuhiro stepped back and turned to look at the woman who was currently staring at him in consternation. "Ah, I was just thinking…" He pasted on a smile that stretched his lips dry. "I'm not going to do anything."

"Are you sure, mister?"

"Yes, yes…" Tetsuhiro could feel his smile slipping a notch. "I—I just need to get some fresh air. Thank you for asking."

The woman stared hard at Tetsuhiro for a moment more. Finally, she nodded, her feet beginning to move away. Shopping bags rustled as she waved to him. "Have a good day, then."

Tetsuhiro continued smiling, his hand also lifted in a wave. When the lady disappeared and her footsteps had become the wind, he lowered his hand slowly. The simple action was draining.

Once again, Tetsuhiro turned back towards the railings. The river flowed beneath, silent and melancholic. His feet kicked the bag of bentous but Tetsuhiro was oblivious, his mind already detaching again. In the surreal peace atop the stone bridge, unhappy things could not hurt him.

A loud ringing cut through the tranquility of the afternoon, jarring him out of another trance. His cell phone—blindly, Tetsuhiro reached into his suit pockets, fingers curling around the chrome device. Its vibration felt strangely real.

_[Incoming call]_

_Caller: Tatsumi Souichi ( Sempai! )_

With that one name, the dam stemming everything from his mind crumbled. Tetsuhiro sank to his knees, the vibrating cell phone jumping in his fist. _Pick it up! Everything was just a misunderstanding! _The urge to whitewash all the doubts and pain swarmed him. His thumb hovered over the call button.

Sempai smiling at the girl, Sempai leaning close to her, Sempai kissing another person_awoman! _with heated cheeks and tender eyes—Tetsuhiro buried his face in his arms, trying to bury the images that were burned upon his mind.

_"—It doesn't—it doesn't mean that we have to get married!" _

That one sentence was the tipping point. Tetsuhiro began to cry, great, big sobs that convulsed his entire body and gripped his throat and chest. Sempai had not wanted him, after all. He had fallen in love alone. Just as how it had been since the beginning, just like how it was going to be from now on.

Storm clouds began to gather overhead, dark, rumbling masses of water and lightning. There was a distant crack of thunder. As Tetsuhiro cried until he could not breathe, as tears and snot sank into his sleeves and stained them a dark black, the skies began to cry with him.

_Sempai, Sempai, Sempai… _

* * *

**xxx Souichi xxx**

"Shit!"

His fourth call was cut off midway and he was directed to voicemail. Souichi yanked the cell from his ear. He turned a sharp left down yet another street, cursing as the rain began to fall harder and harder. Shit, where had the man gone? If he was outside, the baka was going to catch a cold!

The rain had driven most people into buildings and shelters. Feeling his hair stick to his face and neck, Souichi peeked into every building that he passed by. However, Morinaga was nowhere to be seen. Shit, shit. Panic lay just beyond the limits of his control. He had to stay calm; stay calm and think.

A man was walking briskly ahead of him, a black umbrella covering his face from view. However, he was donned in a navy suit and his height was similar… Souichi dashed forwards and grabbed the man's arm. Relief and anger made his grip unnecessarily strong. "Morinaga!"

"Huh, excuse me?" The man turned to reveal a bespectacled face with slitted eyes and a large nose. His bushy eyebrows were lifted in astonishment. "Sir, you must be mistaken."

"Ah, I'm sorry…" Bowing in apology, Souichi quickly let go of the man. The stranger nodded and continued on his way, leaving disappointment and frustration in his wake. Damnit, damnit!

Street after street, Souichi expanded his search around the university even as the rain progressed from a light drizzle into a steady shower. However, nobody seemed to have seen Morinaga; not the station- master at the subway, not the people milling at the bus stops. As the time ticked past rapidly and he still could not find the man, Souichi's agitation slowly turned into dread. Morinaga could be anywhere.

Having no success whatsoever in the area surrounding Todai, Souichi had a sudden thought. Morinaga might have returned to his office! After all, it was still working hours! Damnit, why had he taken so long to realise it? Without further hesitation, he took off towards the subway station again.

Todai Station was a large terminal, its steel and glass façade housing track- lines for all major and minor routes in and out of Tokyo. The transport hub was teeming with people. Souichi tried to curb his frustration as he joined in the crowds moving towards the ticket barriers.

"Oh no, my fruits!"

Souichi felt himself pitch forwards as the throngs of people pushed from the back. Somebody bumped into him and there was an exclamation of dismay. A middle-aged woman had dropped her shopping bags. Oranges began to roll over the linoleum.

Souichi groaned in impatience. The temptation to leave the woman to fend for herself warred with his conscience. In the end, however, he turned around and began to pick up the oranges. The woman seemed to be on the line and as Souichi returned the groceries to her, she smiled at him. "Thank you, young man!"

"You are welcome." Souichi's reply was curt and he glanced once again at the electronic board. Damn, the train towards the business district was coming in two minutes! Hurriedly, he picked up the remaining bags and shoved them into the woman's hands.

"…Ah, gomen but I dropped my shopping just now! Yes, yes, I'm fine; a young man picked them up for me!" The auntie slung the bags on her arms even as she continued to chat, her voice raised over the background noise. "Oh, speaking of young men, I saw one on the bridge just now, looking all depressed and sad! He was leaning over the railings like so, as though he was thinking of jumping!

"Luckily, he sounded all right when I spoke to him…yes, yes, oh, such a young lad he was, and so handsome, too, with those round, green eyes! He seemed to be an elite worker too; I saw the work badge around his neck—I think he's working for S Pharmaceuticals, or some big company that sounded like it!"

Souichi had walked away as soon as he was able to get around the talkative woman. He was nearly out of earshot when he heard 'S Pharmaceuticals'. A young man with green eyes, who worked at S Pharmaceuticals…Immediately, Souichi turned heel, trying to locate the shrill voice amongst the sea of people.

"—I told him not to do something foolish as the water there is deep, you know? Yes, I wonder what happ—uwahh!"

By some stroke of luck, Souichi had spotted the lady almost immediately. Weaving through disgruntled passengers, he grabbed hold of her, fingers tight around her arms. Disregarding her shriek of shock, Souichi cut to the chase. "Where did you say the man was?"

"E-ehh?!" The older woman looked shocked that the man who had just assisted her had come back and suddenly threw her a question. She stared at him, confused. "What?"

As the woman continued to look stumped, Souichi's impatience finally snapped. Rapidly, he opened up the photo folder in his cell, fingers searching out Morinaga's picture with ease. "I'm looking for this man! Can you tell me if the person you saw was he? And if he is, tell me where you saw him!"

"Oh, that's him! I see, so you really know him, then." Understanding led the woman to fill Souichi in on the details. "I saw him at the overhead bridge near X Avenue twenty minutes ago! If you are his friend, please take care of him; I really thought that he was going to jump into the canal!"

Her every word pierced into Souichi's heart. The baka, his baka… Unwilling to waste another second, he began to run, turning for a split moment to convey his thanks. "Thank you!"

"You are welcome, and take care!"

The incoming crowd came between him and the housewife and just like that, their serendipitous meeting was lost in the history of time. Souichi continued to run without looking back. Morinaga was still in the vicinity!

Eager as he had been to find Morinaga, the downpour outside the station caught Souichi completely by surprise. Shit, he had forgotten that it was still raining! He gazed up at the downcast skies and cursed. Nonetheless, he began to run in the direction of X Avenue, feeling the rain soak into his clothes. Idiot Morinaga!

He had barely gotten past the first intersection when his cell rang. Souichi took it out immediately—could it be Morinaga? However, his hopes were almost instantly dashed. Yuki Manami's number flashed across the screen.

Souichi stared at his cell, breathing hard. Why, at this time?! His eyes widened as he recalled the abandoned experiment. Professor Satou was due to meet them today, too! Souichi glanced around helplessly as he picked up the call. Morinaga… "—Yuki- san."

"Tatsumi- san, you finally answered!" His colleague's voice was whispered, urgent. "Look, I don't know why you ran off so suddenly just now, but you have to come back to school immediately! Professor Satou is blowing his top!

"I tried to hold him off but he's threatening to cancel your exchange programme; that's how bad his temper is! Come back now, okay?" Without awaiting his reply, Manami cut off the line.

"Shit…!" An old granny standing at the cross- junction with him glanced askew at Souichi as he cursed. When the lights turned red, she began to cross the road, her umbrella bopping gently in the rain. Souichi was the only person left on the sidewalk, getting soaked to the skin but unable to take the next step.

For the first time in his professional life, he did not have a clear answer. He was supposed to choose his research, damnit! Yet, here he was, vacillating, even after the professor had threatened to fire him! Souichi gazed into the distance—Morinaga was somewhere, out there. He had to choose.

* * *

**xxx Tetsuhiro xxx**

Atop the bridge in X Avenue, Tetsuhiro picked up his briefcase and bentous, his body moving lethargically despite the rain. He felt wrung out; dazed. Despite the decision he had made, everything felt wrong. Out of place. So fucked up.

Despite his hardest not to, Tetsuhiro glanced at his cell phone once more. He knew that it had rung a few more times earlier but picking up Sempai's call would have taken much more than what he could give now… Oh, the battery was flat. Tetsuhiro lowered his hand and sighed.

The thought of seeing Sempai now was…frightening. If he saw him now, if he just heard a decibel of his voice then, this tenuous calm that he had just built up would fall apart, irreparably. Now, all Tetsuhiro wanted was to get home, pack up and leave; leave before he had to face the person who had completely destroyed his heart.

"Morinaga!"

No way… Even through the rain and thunder, Tetsuhiro could hear Souichi's voice distinctly. His grasp slackened reflexively and with a crack, his cell fell. However, Tetsuhiro was already turning back, his pulse racing. Why was Sempai here?!

Souichi was running up the pebbled arch, an expression of relief and agitation apparent even in the distance. Tetsuhiro fought the urge to flee, even as his body reacted to the avenging angel coming through the rain. "Sempai…"

"I finally found you—! Idiot, why did you run off just now? Huff-huf—!" Panting hard, Souichi swept his wet hair aside and glared up at Tetsuhiro. "And why the hell were you at Todai today?!"

The last question reeked of accusation. Tetsuhiro hung his head, ashamed for the flare of hope that had burned as soon as he had heard his name. What had he been expecting? A heartfelt reunion by the riverside? Sempai's declaration of his eternal love for him? A bitter smile touched his lips. He had to learn that reality would never be, could never be, so convenient.

Tetsuhiro glanced at the bentous in his hands. The lacquered boxes contained Sempai's favourites, which he had prepared in a frenzy of excitement just that morning. That kind of hope, that degree of happiness—standing in the dreary rain now, Tetsuhiro could not even imagine how he must have felt while making the food. Everything had been just a beautiful illusion.

"Morinaga?" Souichi grabbed at Tetsuhiro's hand when he did not reply. The man noticed the bentous in his grip and a peculiar expression crossed his face. Tugging the food from Tetsuhiro's hands, Souichi began to hurry down the bridge. "—We can talk later; let's get out of the rain first."

"…This is the last time, Sempai." This was the last time that he would make him food. This was the last time that he would see him. This was where Tetsuhiro would say goodbye. "There is nothing more to say."

"Huh?" Souichi turned back at his words, a frown marring his brows. "What the hell do you mean? You were the one who came to find me at Todai, right? There must have been something you wanted to say to me!"

"It doesn't matter anymore." Despite everything, the sight of a shivering Souichi still managed to bring a pang to his heart. Tetsuhiro found himself shrugging off his jacket and wrapping it around Souichi. His fingers brushed against the man's arms, his shoulders. Just for a while more… "Go back to school, Sempai."

"Then, what about you? You ran off so suddenly just now; do you know how worr-how pissed off I was? Damnit!" Huffily, Souichi wrapped Tetsuhiro's suit jacket tighter around his body. "T-thanks for the jacket. Now, come on, or I'll leave you here to drown!"

"…It's all right if you did that, Sempai." Kami, he was going to start crying again. Tetsuhiro took a shuddering breath. "Many—many people are waiting in school for you, Sempai. So, just go, a-already." With one last squeeze, Tetsuhiro released his hands from Souichi's shoulders and began walking away. Tears were clawing up his throat; searing heat that burned his chest and eyes.

"—That kiss was accidental! Morinaga!"

A flash of lightning lit up the smoky sky just as Souichi shouted. Tetsuhiro stopped. Once again, the images came, battling upon his fatigued mind. It was too much. He had had enough. "—I said that it doesn't matter anymore!"

"Wha—what the hell, I'm trying to explain it to you! Manami was trying to get some food out of my hair and when she came closer, I turned and that's—and that's how I k-kissed her! We are just colleagues, all right!" Running footsteps splashed behind him. Even as Tetsuhiro quickened his stride, Souichi had grabbed hold of him.

"Just colleagues?" Tetsuhiro glanced at Souichi, at the blush heating his cheeks. Sempai was denying it so vehemently but his body language had given him away. Did he like that Manami so much?

It was as he had thought. A woman was better suited for Sempai. Tetsuhiro shrugged loose of Souichi's hand. "You don't have to lie, Sempai. You could have just told me directly about having a g-girlfriend; it's not like I would—like I would tie you down. After all, it's f-funny, two guys being together—"

"She is married, for fuck's sake!"

* * *

**xxx Souichi xxx**

The two of them stayed at a stand- off as rain poured down on them. Fury made Souichi's voice tremble. To think that Morinaga could think that of him—! Damnit, he had never even entertained thoughts of romance with anybody else! The idiot did not trust him. He had asked the man to stay with him, right? Why did Morinaga doubt Souichi's resolution, even now?

…Then, why won't you marry me, Sempai?"

Why—? Once again, Souichi was tongue- tied. Morinaga was looking directly at him, a hand clutching his chest. That same expression was back on his face—that accusing, sorrowful look of betrayal that Souichi could not bear. "I—I—damnit, we are not talking about the proposal now! Now, if you get that there's nothing between Manami and I then, we can go, right? Come on—"

"If you have not fallen in love with somebody else, why are you so reluctant—so reluctant to sign the papers, which you gave me in the first place?" Morinaga's voice was broken, his tear- filled eyes gazing at Souichi with unbridled hurt. "W-why?" Morinaga did not move, his head cast downwards. Rain made his white blouse translucent, pinstriped tie flying in the gust. "You can't bring yourself to answer again, huh, Sempai? Even if Manami were not the one, even if you deny it now, there will come a day when you would choose a woman, Sempai. You can't marry a man, after all."

"That's—that's nonsense! You are drawing your own conclusions again, Morinaga!" Shit, let the man not have noticed that pause when he answered! Souichi looked away from his kouhai, cheeks flaming. Morinaga had voiced all the doubts that had been festering in him.

"…You are kind, Sempai. Even at this time, you still don't want to hurt me by speaking the truth. But you don't have to do that, Sempai. Staying with me, proposing to me—you have already done a lot…" At this point, Morinaga looked up. "I won't be willful anymore, Sempai. I'll set you free."

"We need not—we need not get married but, Morinaga—!" What was Morinaga saying? What was he himself saying? Why did it sound like Morinaga was going to— Souichi's mind whirled, panic beginning to grab at his throat. "Those papers are just a formali—"

"They are not just a formality to me, Sempai…" With a heart- breaking smile, Morinaga stroked Souichi's cheek gently. "I want all of you, a hundred percent of you. But, you can't give me that—can you, Sempai? And that is why…that is why I'm really giving up this time."

Morinaga's touch was hot against his face, the only point of heat against the relentless cold. How could he say such things when he was holding Souichi like this? The significance of Morinaga's words began to sink in slowly. Through his moisture- fogged glasses, Souichi could barely see his lover's features. Numbness settled inside his stomach.

"…For this period of time, thank you for your care and kindness, Sempai. I was very, very happy—"

The last residue of Morinaga's warmth dissipated like smoke in the storm. Huddled beneath the suit jacket, Souichi bent his head against the rain. All he could hear now was thunder and storm. Morinaga's voice was far away; he could not hear him—

"—I only wish that I had had the fortune to become a family with you… But, we have come to the end, haven't we? There's no more road for us ahead.

"Sempai, let's not get married."

* * *

**To be continued.**

**A/N: A thousand sorries for this ultra- late update! It was a little hard to write this chapter-the scenes kept changing, and it was muzukashii to capture their emotions and thoughts here. Please, I do hope that you still enjoyed it, though! 3**


	6. The only inhabitant

**a/n: Hello all! Happy New Year! I'm here with a new chapter! Please, enjoy. :)**

* * *

**Chapter 6: The only inhabitant**

**xxx Souichi xxx**

_Roiling dark clouds rode the skies overhead, deep purple and gray in their rage. A scissor of lightning shivered up from the horizon brightly. Even in the furious rain, two men could be seen on the stone bridge, heedless of the downpour. _

_"Damn you! You are Emi's—you are Emi's father!" Punch after punch, Souichi battered his fists against Morinaga's chest. Shock and disbelief intermingled with a deeper, rawer emotion. He had broken their engagement. Morinaga was going to leave. The thought of their daughter, far away in the childcare center, made him see red. Fury mixed with the rising pain in his chest and Souichi punched harder, his knuckles meeting bone. "Are you going to abandon u—abandon her?! Fuck you!" _

_"It's not like that!"Morinaga captured Souichi's wrists and pressed them down forcefully. His eyes blazed in anger and frustration, the first time that Souichi had seen them so. _"_It's all or nothing, Sempai! I don't want to stay ambiguously by your side anymore! If I were to stay, I would want everything that you are; your body, your heart—I wouldn't leave even a little bit of you that does not belong to me! Therefore, if you can't give me that, then, even—even if it means having to l-leave Emi behind then, yes, I'd still go!" _

_Morinaga kissing his womb, Morinaga whispering words of love to their unborn baby, Morinaga holding a newly- born Emi with wonder in his eyes—had all of those been just an act? He had promised never to abandon them; sealed that vow with truth that Souichi had wholly believed in until just now. A deep tremble began in his core. Black rage, scorching and uncontrollable, boiled up and with an anguished snarl, Souichi tore his hands away from Morinaga. With one mighty swing, his palm came down._

_The slap rang in the air, stinging, momentous—final. Once more, he raised his reddened palm and Souichi slapped his lover again, breaths haggard, tears running down his cheeks. "All, or nothing?" Another slap smacked against Morinaga's sleek cheeks, the man staring at Souichi in pain and surprise. "Are you saying that you would give Emi up if I don't agree to marry you? Is that it? So, your ridiculous notions of love and—and possession are more important than Emi? Is that what you meant? Is that what you meant, Morinaga!" _

_"…If you think this is what I meant then, yes, my desire to love you and have you love me back would be nothing but a ridiculous whim…" Morinaga's head whipped to the side with the strength of Souichi's blows but he had stopped resisting. The eyes that turned to look at him were dulled, numb. "But this whim is all that I have, Sempai. It is my only wis—"_

_"Shut up! I don't want to hear anymore!" Even as Morinaga closed his eyes and tilted his face up towards him, Souichi pushed him away, hair whipping wildly in the wind. Morinaga's face was swollen, rainwater dripping down his cheeks like rivulets of tears. _

_That sight twisted his gut, made it feel like steel bars were being forced into his chest. It hurt. It hurt like hell but the thought of marriage made him recoil even more. If it were like this then, Souichi would rather end everything. If he could not give Morinaga the happy ending that he wanted, what was the point in the both of them suffering? _

_Tugging the suit jacket off his shoulders, Souichi flung it at the black- haired man. Something inside him was breaking. He ignored the splintering pain in his chest, watching as the jacket landed in the puddles with a splash. With the harshest, coldest voice that he could manage, Souichi fired out the words that he would remember for the rest of his life. _

_"Fine, let's not get married! You can leave, and good riddance! Emi will live with me and rest assured that we would get along just fine! If you want to be loved so badly then you can bloody well go somewhere else and find it! You won't find it here! _

_"So get the fuck away, and don't ever, ever, let me see you again!"_

* * *

With a violent start, Souichi's eyes flew open. He was breathing harshly, hands clutching the front of his pajamas. Beside him, the alarm was blaring loudly, its fluorescent light vibrating ceaselessly against the mantel board. Panting, Souichi lay against the sheets, letting his heartbeat calm down. His head pounded. That scene again. It played and played every single night, a broken record. Each time, his memory of that time became stronger. Dampness stung his eyes and he burrowed his head against the pillows. Damnit, he did not want to think about that day, or that person—

Lying in the darkened room by himself, Souichi stared up at the ceiling unseeingly. He had already moved out of the main bedroom but the nightmare had followed him. In this guest room, there should have been nothing that reminded him of… Souichi touched the smooth sheets softly. Right, these had been bought on a previous shopping trip. That person had chosen the covers and coerced Souichi into buying it…

With unnecessary force, he swung his legs over the edge of the bed and stood up. What was he doing, thinking about useless memories now? That man was gone, and good riddance!

The blood rushed rapidly to his head and Souichi staggered as the room swung crazily. Falling back against the mattress, Souichi's breath was knocked out of him. He blinked several times in the dimness, gradually becoming aware of the dull ache permeating his entire body. A headache began its steady drum against his temple. Without warning, Souichi started sneezing continuously. Shit. Was he falling sick?

Outside, Emi's cries began to rise. His baby was up, and asking for her milk. Souichi summoned his energy and rose again, making his way carefully out of the guest room. The floorboards seemed to weave as he entered the nursery and approached the crib. He could just see the blue- black tuft of hair over the railings. "Emi."

Emi turned towards her Daddy's voice and raised her hands, as though asking for a hug. Her little face was reddened, eyes scrunched shut in earnestness. Despite his lethargy, Souichi had to smile. His little angel. Scooping her up gently, he snuggled his daughter for a long moment. The hole inside his chest felt a little less hollow. "Morning, sweetheart."

Souichi stayed in the nursery for a long time. The morning light gradually lightened as he hugged his baby close. Emi's warm weight in his arms was real and comforting. In this room filled with soft toys and baby items, the coldness of the empty house was kept at bay.

When Emi began to cry again and he could feel her diapers getting heavy, Souichi busied himself with changing and feeding her. Leaving her side reluctantly, he went downstairs to the bathroom beside the kitchen. The fact that he could have used the one in the master bedroom was ignored, shelved neatly in the deepest corner of his mind. Shivering despite having on a cardigan, Souichi debated taking a shower. Damnit, his nose felt as though it was plugged.

After a quick and hot shower, Souichi hurried back into the guest room. Having used it for the past week, all of his essentials were there. He opened the drawers and dug out a random pair of jeans and sweater, teeth chattering. Finally, when he was dressed and had grabbed his backpack, Souichi exited the room and went downstairs again. He did not spare a look at the third room, its glossy door shut and dark in the hallway.

The coffee that he brewed was black, and strong. Leaning against the counter, Souichi drained the cup, feeling his headache receding a little. Now, for breakfast. Souichi opened the refrigerator, eyes roving over the two lacquered boxes placed in the back of the last shelf. He took out an instant meal that he had bought at the convenience store and shut the chiller.

"Ding!"

Nursing another cup of coffee, he opened the microwave oven and extracted the plastic tray of food. The chair scrapped as he set his breakfast out on the dining table. Sitting down at his customary seat, Souichi clasped the disposable chopsticks and said grace.

"Itadakimasu."

_"Itadakimasu!" _

Souichi's hand jolted. That voice—he looked up, at the seat directly opposite him. However, there was nobody there. The only thing on the wide table was his plate of natto and rice. Souichi swiveled in his seat and looked towards the counters. _He_ was not there, pouring a cup of coffee while smiling at Souichi—

The untouched food went directly into the garbage bin, joining the congealed remains of his dinner from the night before. Souichi switched off the kitchen lights and dashed up the stairs. His breath was painful in his chest.

The only thing he was certain of, now, was Emi.

* * *

Professor Satou was standing at the entrance of the laboratory when Souichi reached the university after sending Emi to the childcare centre. The tall and thin man frowned at him, arms folded authoritatively. "You are late, Tatsumi- san."

"…I'm sorry." Despite the professor's words, Souichi glanced at the wall clock, noting that he had arrived sharply at eight a.m. Ever since that day, Professor Satou had become much more stringent with Souichi, paying personal visits to the lab every day in order to scrutinize his work. He was exactly as how the rumours had painted him to be—overbearing, authoritarian, and unhesitant about sacking students who did not meet his exceptional standards.

Souichi had gotten an earful from Professor Satou that rainy day, the first such occurrence in his academic career. Even as he had stood there soaked to the skin and dripping wet, his supervisor had berated him continuously for a half hour. Although he had not fired Souichi ultimately, the severe man had still forced the entire team to finish the entire experiment before letting them off for the night.

"All right, team, gather around please. As you would already have known, we have three experiments to conduct today. Now, I expect everybody to have already done their homework and be clear on what they have to do later on." Professor Satou turned towards Souichi and frowned at him. "Do you understand, Tatsumi- san?"

"Yes, sir." Piqued that he was obviously being picked on, Souichi ignored the dull pain throbbing in his head and gazed steadily back at the professor. He had spent close to twelve hours at the lab every day for the past week to do work but it seemed that Professor Satou was still critical of his attitude.

"All right, then get to work, everybody."

The moment that Professor Satou exited the laboratory, Yuki Manami headed directly towards Souichi and flopped on the stool beside him. Concern shone in her brown eyes. "Tatsumi- san, are you feeling all right? You've been looking quite haggard these past few days, you know."

"Is it? I'm fine, though." Souichi took out his logbook and research notes, subtly trying to shoo the woman away. His nose felt terrible but there was no way he was going to say anything about it. "Let's get to work."

"Hey," Manami refused to give up and she grabbed Souichi's arm as he tried to walk away. "We all know how Professor Satou is like, so don't kill yourself trying to make up for that day, all right? Kami knows that you have contributed more than your share of the work."

"Un." Shrugging his arm free of her grasp carefully, Souichi nodded at her before heading to the lockers. He heard Manami's quiet sigh but did not acknowledge it.

In actual fact, Souichi was perfectly fine with Professor Satou's demonic pace. After all, science and research were familiar to him, a safe realm where he knew his place and abilities, a world where he would not be thrown for a loop with nebulous things such as love, and hurt.

There were only hypotheses and theories, experiments and trials. At work, Souichi could function perfectly well just like how he usually was. At work, he would not have time to think—not about the house, not about the empty master bedroom or its empty kitchen. With all the tasks and responsibilities, Souichi would not be haunted by thoughts of that one person, whose crying face in the rain seemed to have lodged in his brain and refused to budge—

Souichi closed the locker door and walked back to his workstation. The rows of glass apparatus and equipment beckoned and he went to them gladly. With sure movements, he flipped to a new page in his logbook and jotted down the date. Time to get to work.

* * *

"…Tatsumi- san, Tatsumi- san!"

His name was being called from somewhere far away. Souichi stirred, his elbow nudging against a glass flask filled with liquid. He looked up groggily. For a moment, he could not recognize the school laboratory, or the face that had appeared anxiously in front of him. "…Yuki- san. What's the matter?"

"What's the matter? Your health is the matter! Look at the time now; why are you still here?" Yuki Manami pointed haphazardly at the wall clock, whose short hand pointed at nine p.m. "Pack up and go back! You look terrible!"

With a clatter, Souichi stood up. He had to go and fetch Emi! One step away from the table, however, he almost fell. His legs felt like jelly. There was also a strange echoing in his ears. Souichi held on to the edge of the stool and steadied himself before he began picking up the beakers. "Thanks for waking me, Yuki- san."

The woman continued to hover beside Souichi, a mother hen anxious about her brood. She took one look at Souichi's flushed face and quickly stuck her hand out to his forehead, startling him. "You have a fever! Goodness, it's no wonder you've been looking so wan! Have you seen a doctor?"

"Don't—" Slapping her hand away, Souichi almost immediately regretted his instinctive reaction when Manami cast him a hurt look. His mind flashed back to that afternoon at the cafeteria, at the tall figure standing at the glass looking at them… His sudden action caused the world to swirl and he sank back involuntarily against the stool. Taking his spectacles off, Souichi massaged the bridge of his nose tiredly. "…Sorry. Also, I'm all right. Shouldn't you go home too, Yuki- san?"

Manami retracted her hand slowly but another look at Souichi's peaked complexion made her lean forwards again. "You seriously look like hell, Tatsumi- san. Don't try to act tough! Take a day off school tomorrow; I'll explain to the professor for you."

"No—no, there's another important part to the experiment tomorrow but, I think this is it for tonight. I still have to fetch Emi." Slowly, Souichi stood up again. The blood rushed less rapidly to his head this time and he managed to put away the apparatus. He had to hurry, or else the caretakers would have to work overtime again.

"Ehh? Why don't you ask your wife to fetch her, since you knew that you'd be working late?" Manami helped him bring some used beakers to the sink. The tap turned on and there was the sound of running water. She looked up when Souichi did not reply. "Tatsumi- san?"

"…She's busy. With work." The breathless feeling was back, pressing incessantly against his chest. Souichi finished clearing the last of the debris and picked up his logbook. Manami's casual query was so carefree that it was almost laughable. His voice cracked a little as he turned towards the lockers. "So, i-it's just Emi and I at the moment."

"Right…" His colleague trailed off. There was a tinkle as she placed the beakers neatly on the racks to dry. Soon after, though, Manami spoke up again and this time, there was no mistaking the worry in her voice. "Actually, I've noticed that you've been a little off since that day. You suddenly ran out from the cafeteria, Tatsumi- san. Were you worrying about the fact that you sort of, hmm, kissed me?"

"H-huh?" Taken aback by the sudden turn in conversation, Souichi stopped halfway in unlocking his locker and turned back to look at the lady. Right. They had had no time to talk about it since that day, what with Professor Satou breathing down their necks and Souichi working through lunch and dinner practically every day. "About that—I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that." Ah, yes, she was marr—Souichi hastened to add on, "If there has been any misunderstanding—"

"Hahah, oh no, oh no! Don't worry about that, Tatsumi- san! Wah, I feel so relieved now that we've finally talked about it." Wiping her hands, Manami rounded the sink and came towards Souichi. She laughed again and the entire mood was lightened. "I was just about to tell you not to worry! Anyway, that was mostly my fault for acting like you were my son! He always leaves crumbs all over his face when he eats."

Souichi found himself smiling a little as well. Yuki Manami was indeed like Isogai, level- headed despite the flamboyance. He felt relieved, too. There was at least one thing that had gone right in this entire fiasco…At the thought, Souichi sobered. "…Well, I have to go now, Yuki- san. I'm glad that we've cleared that up. Thanks for waking me, and for washing the beakers. I'll see you tomorrow, then."

"You sure that you can take it, Tatsumi- san?"

"Yes."

"…All right! Please eat dinner when you're home! Geez, you look thinner than me, even." Manami's tone was joking but Souichi knew that her advice was sincere. "Good night, then, Tatsumi- san. You have worked hard!"

"Good night. You have also worked hard."

* * *

The lights at the childcare centre were dimmed when Souichi finally reached its entrance. Wheezing slightly, he pulled the wooden door open with some difficulty. A migraine was back, pounding hard in the side of his head. Souichi stood at the threshold for a moment, steadying himself. He stepped quietly into the place. "Good evening. I'm here to pick Emi up."

"Ah, Tatsumi- san! You have worked hard. Please, take a seat while we bring her out." The receptionist bowed at him politely before retreating to the nursery. There was some exchange of words that Souichi caught sporadically but soon, the nanny and the receptionist appeared, carrying a sleeping Emi. "Here's Emi."

With care, Souichi slid his arms around his baby daughter and settled her snugly against his chest. Her body felt warmer than usual… Frowning, he took a closer look at Emi's face. She looked a little flushed and was sucking her thumb restlessly even in sleep. Souichi looked at the caretakers, his worry making his voice taut. "She seems a little hot. Was she all right today?"

"Yes, she was crying on and off the entire day today, Tatsumi- san. As you know, Emi- chan does not usually act up like that. We took her temperature just in case. Fortunately, it was still within the normal range." The nanny petted the baby's cheek worriedly. "Still, I think you should observe her during the night and if things don't get better, bring her to the doctor's."

Souichi nodded at the two women gratefully. Once again, he was glad that this centre gave such attentive care to their charges, especially since Emi was so young. "Thanks for telling me, and I apologise for coming here so late again. Good night, then."

"Good night, Tatsumi- san. Please take care!"

Stepping out of the centre with Emi strapped to his chest, Souichi turned back and gazed at the façade of the cheerful place. Despite their polite tone, he had still noticed the women's meaningful glances. It was obvious that, not just today but since he had started fetching Emi, they were curious as to why Emi had two male guardians while having Souichi's surname. They had been professional enough to refrain from being nosy but it had probably been clear as day that Souichi and that person were not mere relatives of Emi.

Well, whatever they had thought, there was nothing now. The chilly air wrapped around Souichi and he shivered. A crescent hung in the sky, cold and lonely- looking in the starless night. He looked up at it quietly, a hand pressed against his daughter's back. There was, indeed, nothing between them now. From now on, Emi would only have one guardian, and that would be him, Tatsumi Souichi.

Making sure that Emi was warm and snug against him, Souichi stepped off the porch and began the endless walk towards the station.

* * *

**To be continued.**


	7. Realisation

**Chapter 7: Realisation**

**xxx Tetsuhiro xxx**

"Morinaga- kun, do you want to join us for lunch?"

The invitation came from three of his seniors and colleagues, all of whom had supported him through the rough period some months ago at work. Tetsuhiro glanced at his watch. Ah, it was time to go. Shaking his head but directing a rueful smile at them, he declined the invitation. "Sorry but I have someplace to go during lunch. Thank you for inviting me every day! But, there is something really important that I want to do."

"Ehh—? Morinaga- kun has been rejecting us of late!" One of the ladies, a bespectacled brunette, pouted at him but immediately brightened up as an idea struck her. "Ahh, don't tell me, you are meeting with your partner? You should have told us so earlier! All right, all right; don't let us deter you any longer!"

Tetsuhiro startled but forced a small smile at his seniors, waving them off as they headed towards the cafeteria. Slumping back in his cubicle, he tucked his tie loose from around his neck. Since the media breakout and the trouble with the higher-ups in the company, Tetsuhiro's involvement with Souichi had become something of an open secret; acknowledged but not overtly discussed. Even so, his colleagues did not tease him about it; were in fact, rather blasé about Tetsuhiro's choice of partner.

Which made it even harder for him to tell them that things were different now, had been so for a week. Tetsuhiro glanced towards his desk drawer. A copy of the petition protesting his termination for being gay was inside. The precious document was filled with his colleagues' signatures and implicitly, their support for him and his relationship.

He could not find it in him to tell them about their break- up. Not when he could imagine their shock and dismay—not when he himself knew what had been thrown away in that rainy day atop the bridge.

The unbearable urge to cry rose up again. In his little cubicle, Tetsuhiro very nearly gave in to it, his sight blurring as it often did nowadays. He pinched the errant tears away, pretending to rub his eyes when a colleague walked by.

Some minutes later, Tetsuhiro was out in the bright sunlight of spring, his footsteps becoming more buoyant as he crossed two streets and turned left. The cobbled walkway led him straight towards the two- storey building that housed the childcare centre, and Emi.

"Good afternoon. Sorry to bother but, I'm here to visit Emi again." Tetsuhiro bowed as he entered the cool interior of the centre, which was quiet as the older children were already taking their noon nap. He smiled politely at the receptionist, whom he had come to be friendly with.

"Ah, Morinaga- san! Please wait, the nanny should have just finished feeding her—obaa-chan, Morinaga- san is here; is Emi- chan ready?" The young girl popped her head into the nursery next door, pigtails bounding.

There were soft footsteps and the nanny appeared, holding a small bundle in her liver- spotted arms. Tetsuhiro hurried towards her and mouthed a word of thanks to her as he gently took his baby daughter into his arms.

The world became a little brighter as he felt Emi's soft breathing against his neck. Kissing her head repeatedly, Tetsuhiro walked back towards the seats and sat down, whispering little endearments into his daughter's ears as he hugged her tight.

The two ladies looked on at the pair of father and daughter. It was obvious that Morinaga- san was completely devoted to Emi. Thus, they did not understand why he had suddenly stopped fetching Emi and now visited her in the afternoon, looking starved for the baby's attention.

The stranger thing was that, while Emi was the miniature version of Morinaga- san, from her hair, her eyes, right down to the shape of her lips, she shared the same last name as the new man who fetched her now, that long- haired, elegant- looking person called Tatsumi Souichi. This puzzle had been bothering the nanny and receptionist (grandmother and granddaughter) since a week ago, when that Tatsumi- san had brought Emi, instead of Morinaga- san, and they had distinctly heard him talk to the baby, "Daddy will fetch you later tonight, so be a good girl, Emi."

So, who was the father of Emi? With her cherubic smile and an aversion to unnecessary crying, the baby had captured both women's hearts the moment she had arrived. They doted on her rather more than the other children, although that was strictly secret between just grandmother and granddaughter. As such, the mystery as to her parentage was of great interest, though professionalism dictated that their curiosity was reined in.

The nanny remembered an important matter and stepped towards the duo, reluctant to break the spell surrounding Morinaga- san and his baby. As the father looked up, she patted Emi's cheek, checking her temperature as she did so. "Morinaga- san, Emi- chan's temperature was a little high today and she was sniffling a little earlier in the day. She does not have a fever but we are monitoring her to see if one will develop." Seeing the immediate worry that clouded Tetsuhiro's eyes, the nanny added, "If you want, do you want to bring her home early today?"

Bring her home. At the impossible choice, Tetsuhiro's hand tightened around Emi. He had no right to do that now. He had done the worst thing that a father could possibly do to his own child. Stealing visits with her on his lunch break was what he was reduced to doing now and, if Sempai were to get wind of this, Tetsuhiro would lose even these precious moments with Emi.

Noting that the nanny was still awaiting his reply, Tetsuhiro kissed Emi again before handing her back reluctantly. He was unable to protect her… "No, it's better to let Sem—Tatsumi- san bring her back. He'd worry if I were to take her home without informing him…" Smiling apologetically while he stroked Emi's cheeks a last time, Tetsuhiro bowed and began to walk towards the front door. "Please, continue to take good care of her. I'll be back tomorrow."

"…Are you sure, Morinaga- san?" Both the nanny and the receptionist were peering uncertainly at him now, the nanny patting Emi lightly as she fretted. "You could always call Tatsumi- san—"

"No—no, it's all right. But, please call me if—oh, right, I haven't replaced my cell phone…please call my office—no, please call Tatsumi- san if Emi's condition becomes worse. Thank you."

The old woman gazed at him with her wise eyes for a moment longer, then nodded her understanding. "We'll be sure to do that, Morinaga- san. Take care and see you tomorrow."

* * *

The office was already bustling when Tetsuhiro got back. Nodding at his colleagues, he hurried to his desk, just in time to pick up the ringing phone. "Good afternoon, this is Morinaga."

_"Tetsuhiro?" _ Kunihiro's deep voice resonated through the line. _"What happened to your cell? I tried messaging and calling but the line did not get through. Anyway, I know that you're at work so I'll be quick. My trip to Tokyo got rescheduled, so I'm in the city now. Are you free for dinner tonight?"_

"Nii- san." Tetsuhiro sank into his seat and spoke quietly to his brother. "Sorry about my cell but it spoilt when I dropped it." The rainy day flashed across his mind but he clamped down on the memory. "I still haven't—I have not replaced it yet. Yes, I can make it for dinner tonight. We will talk more later?"

_"That's great. I would love to see my niece, and say hello to Tatsumi- kun, too. So, I'll meet you at, say, seven?"_

"Un, I'm all right with that. Umm, Nii- san, Emi is not feeling too well today so why don't we just have dinner outside? I—um—I'll tell Sempai that you asked after him." Tetsuhiro bit his lip. "Let's meet at Ginza metro station?"

_"Ahh, that's a pity. I had wanted to see Emi… Anyway, dinner at Ginza sounds fine. See you later, then." _

"Un, see you." Tetsuhiro put down the retriever slowly. Right, there was also Kunihiro who also knew of his relationship with Souichi. And Kanako- chan and Matsuda- san, Tomoe and Mitsugu and Isogai… Bitterly, Tetsuhiro recalled the words of his parents. Perhaps they had been right—his relationship with Sempai had never been meant to last. Whether it was back in Kyuushuu, in Nagoya, or here in Tokyo, things such as love and commitment between two men were perhaps too much to ask for.

"Morinaga- kun, it's time to go to the laboratory!"

Pulling his mind away from the webs of those dark thoughts, Tetsuhiro stood up and gathered his documents. He had left Souichi's side before but this time around, he could not go back.

* * *

"So, is life in Tokyo all right so far?"

Having had dinner at a restaurant in the downtown area of Tokyo, the Morinaga brothers had found, despite the location, a bar that was not all glitz and glamour. A hole-in-the-wall type of establishment with glossy dark wood and a quiet clientele, Tetsuhiro and Kunihiro had immediately taken a liking to it and settled themselves at the high- top counter.

The bartender served up a glass of long island tea and kamikaze for Tetsuhiro and Kunihiro, respectively. At the question, Tetsuhiro took a long sip of his drink. The ice cubes tinkled quietly in the amber liquid. "Things are fine. Yea. How are things in Kyuushuu? No problems for you and Masaki- san?"

"Hmm, I guess you could say that." A small smile crept across Kunihiro's face, full of a pleasure that others could only guess at. The envy hit Tetsuhiro like a ton. Turning away as though he had seen something he should not have, he raised his glass again and took a deep mouthful. The bitter alcohol joined the well deep in his chest.

"Good for you, Nii- san." Tetsuhiro drained the last of his cup and signaled to the barkeep for another one. "We've never been to drink like what we're doing now, huh? It feels pretty nice." The new glass of long island slid to a stop in front of him and Tetsuhiro started in on it.

"Yea, I guess it's time we did this, huh." Kunihiro coughed, trying to cover up his awkwardness. "I'm glad we met up, even though it's just a dinner." He glanced at his half- full kamikaze and then at Tetsuhiro's new glass. "Hey, aren't you drinking a little too quickly? The night is still young; tomorrow's a day off, right? I reckon Tatsumi- kun wouldn't be too happy if you went home drunk."

"I'm fine, Nii- san. Don't worry." Tetsuhiro chuckled and gestured to Kunihiro for a cheers. "Is work going smoothly for you?"

Kunihiro nodded, obliging Tetsuhiro and tapping his glass against his. "Work's getting busy, what with all the business trips to different parts of Japan. Junya's been busy too. The owner of the bar he works at has asked him to concoct new cocktails for the autumn menu. He seems pretty satisfied with work now." Again, that little smile of contentment made its appearance on Kunihiro's face. "Have you both settled into work? Tatsumi- san is in Todai now, right?"

"Un. Sempai—" The name caught in his throat and he coughed, feeling his nose burn. Tetsuhiro grabbed a napkin and wiped his mouth. "—Sempai is on an exchange programme with Todai's agricultural graduate school. He gets to work with the country's prolific researchers in plant microbiology, which is great." Talking about Souichi as though everything was fine made Tetsuhiro feel sickened. He let the topic dwindle off and gulped down his drink. "Bartender, another drin—"

"Oi, oi, oi! That's your third cup! What are you thinking, drinking at such a speed, Tetsuhiro?" Stopping Tetsuhiro from ordering another glass of alcohol, Kunihiro got him a glass of plain water instead. "Here, drink this instead. What's with you tonight?"

"Nothing—it's nothing." Speech slightly slurred, Tetsuhiro tried to straighten and nearly slipped off the leather barstool. "It's just, you know, really fun to come out like this sometimes. Been a while since I've seen the bar scene…Yea, maybe I should start going again…heard that there's quite a few nice ones down in Nichome."

"Nichome?" Frowning as he recognized the particular area in Tokyo, Kunihiro set down his drink and turned to look more fully at his younger brother. "Hey, you do know what kind of bars are likely to be there, right? Even I—" The blush could be heard in the reticent man's voice. "—Even I know what that place is famous, or should I say, infamous, for. Going there wouldn't be, umm, good, right? Especially since you have a family now."

"Un…" Nodding his head tipsily, Tetsuhiro raised his water glass and tapped it against Kunihiro's. "J-just an idea, Nii- san. I wasn't being serrrious about it."

"You'd better not be! That Sempai of yours would definitely let you have it if you went around gamboling!"

Sempai certainly would. He would smack Tetsuhiro around, yell at him and maybe even refuse to let him enter the apartment. He would stop Tetsuhiro from hugging Emi because of the smoke and alcohol on him. Sempai would glare at him with those beautiful eyes and push him away if he tried to kiss him… Two droplets of tears fell from his eyes in rapid succession. "Hnn…"

His brother did not notice anything amiss at first as he changed the topic and chattered on. Tetsuhiro hunched over the glass, the tears that he had held back for so long finally finding release with the induction of alcohol. It was so painful…and yet, Tetsuhiro did not know how to give up. How many times had he wanted to run back to their home; grab hold of Souichi and Emi and bind them to him for all eternity? That rainy day recurred ceaselessly in his mind and each time, it felt like a gunshot to his chest.

"So, Junya said—Tetsuhiro? Hey, what happened? Are you all right?!"

Tetsuhiro felt Kunihiro's hands on his shoulders, a comforting warmth that only made him feel lonelier. He only managed to shake his head and slumped further against the counter, glad for the dimness of the bar.

The two brothers sat together in silence as the wooden clock on the planked walls ticked steadily towards midnight. Tetsuhiro had finally stopped crying and had fallen into an alcohol- induced slumber. He did not hear Kunihiro call for the bill, or feel it when he was hauled up by the armpit and ushered out of the tiny bar.

"Shucks, I don't know the address of his home! Do I bring him to my hotel…? All right! Taxi driver, please go to…"

The rumbling of the car finally woke Tetsuhiro up. Sleepily, he sat up, rubbing the crust away from his eyes. His head still felt woozy. Slowly, he looked towards his brother. "…Sorry about just now, Nii- san."

"Oh, you are awake! Dummy, don't drink so much when you can't!" Kunihiro softened his reprimand by ruffling Tetsuhiro's hair. "I'll bring you home first; give the address to the driver."

"Yea…M Hotel, please." Slumping back against the cushioned seats, Tetsuhiro vaguely felt Kunihiro stiffen in surprise beside him. He sighed but continued to keep his eyes closed. Continuing to be drunk meant that he did not need to give any difficult explanations.

The hotel room was as impersonal as ever when the two men entered it. "Nii- san, don't stand on ceremony and come in." Tetsuhiro removed his shoes and padded onto the brown carpet. The single bed was still unmade, the way he had left it that morning. The sight made him even more depressed. Sinking down on the quilt, Tetsuhiro watched as Kunihiro took off his loafers and sat down cautiously at the only armchair in the room.

Kunihiro glanced around at the tiny room. It was decorated like any business hotel—a single wardrobe, a tiny cot; a single window beneath which he currently sat. He could see Tetsuhiro's luggage stowed in the open cupboard, a few dark- coloured suits hanging from the steel bar within. Dirty shirts and underwear were placed in a corner near the genkan. It looked like Tetsuhiro had been staying there for a while. "Why are you…?"

"We broke up." It was the first time he had uttered the truth out loud. He had conceded defeat. Tetsuhiro gestured lifelessly at the belongings strewn around him. "So, here I am."

"Oh…" His frankness had caught Kunihiro off- guard. His older brother shuffled his feet uncomfortably, glancing at the threadbare carpet as though it was the most interesting thing he had seen.

Tetsuhiro leaned back against the wall, feeling his fatigue coalesce into a headache. He had spent six years of his life pursuing that one great love and it had led to this tiny bedroom with its unsympathetic starkness. Life felt…pointless. Aimless.

"I thought that you were going to be adopted into his family…? Why did you suddenly…?"

"I don't know…" Speaking about the issue opened up the chasm of hurt and insecurity in him again. Tetsuhiro burrowed into the quilt. "One day, Sempai just…he just flared up when I brought up the issue of marriage. He didn't explain, even when I asked…Then, the very next day, I caught him kissing a woman at school…"

Kunihiro had to shift the chair so that he could hear Tetsuhiro's muffled voice. The older man frowned. "That doesn't make sense; didn't Tatsumi- kun express his wishes very clearly to our parents just a few months ago? Why would he go and—and cheat on you, especially with Emi in the picture now? He doesn't strike me as a frivolous person."

"Sempai isn't that kind of person…but he also wasn't gay to begin with—! Maybe he realized that being with a woman was better after all…" Tetsuhiro hugged his knees tightly, wishing he could fold into himself and disappear. "…Nii- san, why can you love Masaki- san but Sempai can't love m-me? Does the problem lie with me? Why, even after s-so long?"

"Hahhh…" Kunihiro's sigh hung in the air like a miasma of gloom. He glanced at Tetsuhiro's huddled form beneath the blanket, feeling sympathy and sorrow for his little brother. These two…Yet, Kunihiro thought that he could possibly understand Souichi's doubts. After all, he himself had resisted the idea of loving another man for the longest time.

Junya's face floated up into his mind, awakening the well of regret that Kunihiro would never be fully rid of. He had very nearly lost it all and now, he did not want his brother and his lover to meet that ill fate. "Tetsuhiro, have you ever tried thinking that the problem does not lie in whether Tatsumi- kun loves you or not?"

"…I don't understand…if he loved me, why would Sempai not want us to be together?" Still sniffling, Tetsuhiro wiped his nose drearily against the quilt. This was the one doubt that he had never been able to shift, even after they had become actual lovers. Souichi's refusal had seemed to fulfill that dark premonition in Tetsuhiro—the man had never loved him.

"Sometimes, you could be so single- minded, Tetsuhiro…which could be a good or bad thing. Hahh…" Kunihiro massaged his temples, wondering how to get his point across. His little brother had always been the romantic one. "You have always been more impulsive when it comes to relationships—if you loved the person, you would pursue him without question, without hesitation.

"However, I don't think Tatsumi- kun is as uninhibited as you. He must have had so many other worries, doubts, which you wouldn't understand. Look, it can't have been easy for him—having sex with a man, being in a relationship with one, and then being told that he could conceive and give birth to children—these are all the things that society has brought us up to believe were what only women did! He never even had the chance to assimilate it all before another new issue cropped up!"

Kunihiro now had Tetsuhiro's full attention. The man's head had popped up from the quilt and his eyes were widened, as though all of these things had only just come into his comprehension. Silly brother! He was truly governed by his emotions. "Tatsumi- kun's capacity as a man must have been completely challenged but he even defended you against our parents and me! Did you know that he demanded an apology to you from both Junya and me?"

This was news to Tetsuhiro. His mind flashed back to their last visit to his brother's home. Sempai had exchanged some heated words with Masaki- san, some of which he had overheard. Masaki- san had then followed him to the next room and said some funny things, which, he realized now, had been his indirect way of apologizing for a wrong that he could never correct.

Tetsuhiro also remembered how Souichi had wanted to leave the apartment suddenly, while Kunihiro had been locked out in the balcony. He had never had the chance to ask why Sempai had been so angry that day but it seemed that it had been for Tetsuhiro's sake… "Oh, Kami…"

"As I thought, Tatsumi- kun never told you about that, huh. Seriously, his nature may be a little abrasive but even I can tell that he's very protective of you!"

"Yea…yea, he is…Kami…" The turbulence of last year came rushing back to Tetsuhiro. The media backlash, the stares and whispers of the neighbours—Sempai had been the strong one supporting them, even when he had been the one who was pregnant and being jeered at. Souichi had also wanted to pay off Inari Keiko when she had threatened to expose their relationship to S Pharmaceuticals, despite the fact that the money would have wiped out his savings. Then, when Tetsuhiro had been worrying about being fired, Souichi had consoled him and assured him that there would always be a way out.

"I mean, any man would have been shocked to discover that he was pregnant. But Tatsumi- kun never backed out from it—not in front of the media, not in front of our parents, not even from his work and the university! The only time that he has retreated would be now, when you are on the cusp of marriage. Tell me, who proposed first, you, or him?"

Tetsuhiro wiped off the fresh tears from his eyes. Oh Kami, he had thrown Sempai away at the first sign of trouble, even though he had stayed with Tetsuhiro through so much! "…Sempai did… back then, there was a lot of backlash from the media. The neighbours had left some—some nasty things at our door and I was upset. Sempai gave me the papers that night…said that he had asked Isogai to prepare it once the pregnancy was stablilsed…"

"There, you see…? How could you say that he did not love you, or the family you were about to create? Tetsuhiro, you can be so blind at times. Blinder than me, even."

Kunihiro's chiding tone was tinged with sympathy and exasperation. Tetsuhiro hung his head, shame and regret coursing through him like twin rivers of fire. What had it taken for Sempai to make such a life- changing decision? He must have been so scared. Yet, he had presented the adoption papers to Tetsuhiro, proposed that they spent their lives together as husband and husband in every way that mattered. Sempai had used action to confess everything that he seldom put in words.

_"Sempai, let's not get married."_

Tetsuhiro cringed. Spoken in anger, and in hurt that rainy day, that single phrase had negated every sacrifice that Sempai had given ever since they started going out. Instead of focusing on that accidental kiss, or the feeling of rejection, Tetsuhiro should have appreciated that Souichi had run out after him in the rain just to explain that the woman was just a colleague, and a married one, to boot! However, all Tetsuhiro had done was to accuse him of being hung up about their homosexual relationship, when he himself had been the one with all the insecurities! Oh Kami, what he had done?

"…I don't know what exactly happened to you two but you look utterly miserable. I'd reckon that Tatsumi- kun is, too." Kunihiro rose and settled on the bed beside Tetsuhiro, who slid bonelessly into his waiting arms. "Give him time, Tetsuhiro. I know that you have but more, give him more time, yea? It's not an easy process to witness, and accept changes, especially when the very fundamentals of who yourself were, are, and would become, are being altered. Give him some time, Tetsuhiro. Give him some time to accept that you are the one he loves and wants to be family with."

Nodding numbly, Tetsuhiro allowed himself to absorb the comfort that his stoic brother was giving. However, he did not want to stay in this stifling room one moment longer. Flinging the blanket away from him, Tetsuhiro jetted off the bed and started picking up his clothes and belongings. He was going home right this instant.

"I assume that you're going to go home now?" There was a teasing smile in Kunihiro's voice now and Tetsuhiro nodded, stumbling into the bathroom to pack his shaver and gel.

Within a few minutes, his luggage was packed and both men checked out of the hotel. At the lobby, Tetsuhiro gave his brother one last hug, his grasp tight with thanks and appreciation. "Nii- san, thank you! I promise that I wouldn't be so dumb anymore. Come and visit us again, all right?"

"Of course I will. Now, off you go. Tatsumi- kun and Emi- chan are waiting for you!" Kunihiro's voice was gruff but he gave Tetsuhiro a hearty slap on the shoulder. "See you soon."

"Bye, Nii- san!" With a wave of farewell, Tetsuhiro began dragging his luggage towards the taxi stand. He was going to own up to his own mistakes and regain the family that he had stupidly thrown away!

* * *

**To be continued.**


End file.
